Just be an adult already!! 

Something happened over the past few years. It happened when I wasn’t looking. I was no longer a child, I was no longer bound by the rules of my parents, with nobody to answer to. I didn’t have to tell anyone where I was going, what I was doing or what time I would be back. I became an adult. 

What age does this even truly happen? Growing up, we seem to believe we’re “adults” by the time we’re 16, 18, 21. It’s a subjective theory in all honesty, something that is relative to life experience. I definitely remember feeling fairly adult at the age of 12, battling with what I saw to be “grown-up” depressive moods and thoughts, protecting myself from my aggressive step father and dealing with my ongoing internal monologue. That felt fairly adult to me. But in reality, it was a young girl, a very lost one at that, dealing with a world of adults who showcased very negative thoughts, emotions and relayed them onto my vulnerable brain. 

Now, at 23 years of age, I live in my own house with my partner, I’m studying for my degree, I’m learning to be my own person as I expect to do for the entirety of my life. I’m an enthusiast for the world, for travel, for work, for learning and for growth. I love to write. I love to walk. I am an adult. So why do I still feel as if those strings have not been cut from my childhood. I still feel like I need guidance, I still feel as if I need to answer to someone. And I still feel as if I need to cling to my childhood in order to be carefree. 

What I do that counteracts the fact that I’m an adult?

  • Everything I do I seek gratification from someone, somewhere 
  • If I have a sick day from work, I validate the fact that it is ok with a parent, my partner, or family and friends 
  • I explain every decision I make 
  • I justify myself constantly 
  • I live to please others 
  • I still feel unfulfilled, as if being a child allowed me to do more (that ironically I never seemed to take advantage of) and that adulthood results in not being able to really “live”
  • Living in a messy house – expecting someone else to clean it for me 

Why do I do this? 

  • Being an adult was always a negative thing in my younger life – adults were harsh and scary and violent and unpredictable 
  • I care what people think far too much 
  • I seek validation as I am still unsure in my own ability to decision make 
  • I have convinced myself that adult hood means working, paying bills and being unfulfilled 
  • I have a warped view of what being an independent truly means 

How could I step into my adulthood like I mean it? 

  • I need to consistently remind myself that adulthood is just a theory – it’s a concept that simply means I’m older. 
  • Remind myself that adulthood is not scary and it doesn’t mean that I have become a reflection of the adults I knew in my childhood 
  • Remember that it doesn’t change who I am – I’m still a big kid 
  • Don’t allow the concept of being grown up take away my dreams – it doesn’t mean the time frame has gone, it simply means I can choose when, where and why 
  • To learn that whilst pleasing people is ok, it shouldn’t be at the detriment of pleasing myself 
  • Remember that I don’t owe anybody anything. I’m my own person 
  • Believing in any decision that I make 
  • Keeping a tidy house in order to keep a tidy mind. 
  • Helping myself to help myself 
  • Staying in touch with my inner child and allowing myself to play and have fun 
  • Laugh more – laughing and being silly isn’t confined to being a child 
  • Working on my thoughts on what an adult is – not seeing adulthood as boring bill paying, as realistically, it changes nothing. 

I’ve got some great things to work on this summer! 

How do you live authentically in the concept of being an adult? 


3 Days of Demons: Day 1

Happy Tuesday everybody. I’ve had a busy couple of weeks, with 14 days work and university making me feel extremely tired and out of touch with everyone in my life. With things that have been going on, I feel like I’m learning more about myself everyday, and I have decided to do another series of posts, much like my “5 ways” posts a few months ago.
Over the next 3 posts I will be opening up my scrutiny of myself and my behaviours and trying to get to grips with what is going on in my subconscious. In my “3 days of demons” posts, I will be choosing a different behaviour or thought process everyday, as I try and decipher why I behave in certain ways and how I can potentially grow to change them.
It’s, in my experience, vital to be able to accept and understand your subconscious behaviours and thought processes if you stand any chance of changing them and growing. And that’s what I want to do.

I no longer want to be stuck in old patterns and to be confined by the walls of my past. And this is my attempt to do so.
So welcome to my 3 days of demons posts, and welcome inside my brain.

I would love to hear back from you all, and to try and help you understand your demons and thought processes that you would like to change.

3 days of demons day 1: My own worst enemy.

I am my own worst enemy.

How do I know this?

  • I set ridiculously high expectations for myself, and then proceed to beat myself up and punish myself when I don’t reach them. For example, in my current degree, I want to achieve 100% on every piece of work I submit. Now for a degree, with a broad range of subjects covered and assignments that are open to interpretation, this is not always attainable. With every piece of work I submit I do work my hardest, I set aside a lot of time to complete them and I really do strive for the best. In one of my most recent pieces based on the anatomy and physiology of a dog, I got 68%. This is a pass..but not a distinction (It is 2% away in fact). And in my mind I had failed. I felt really disappointed in myself, and like a failure as I had set an expectation that I can be gaining the best of the best all the time.
  • I compare myself to others far too often – why don’t I go on as many holidays as they do? Why don’t I look like that? Why can’t I be good at that? Why can’t I have those clothes? Again, at university recently we had to sit an exam. When I got my results back I was thrilled to gain 94%…until I heard that someone else in the group got 99%. I was really upset with myself. At what stage is it acceptable to be upset with 94%??
  • I get irritable and frustrated and become aware that I need to be alone to wait it out…but I still surround myself with people I love and end up snapping at them.
  • I have far too much belief and hope that others will behave the way I would, and look to myself as the reason why they are not. I punish myself and question my own morals when people let me down. I don’t believe in who I am.
  • I often convince myself I am ugly, unattractive, over weight and that I hate my body – yet I do nothing to fix this.
  • I am often in fear of fear itself. I can be more than confident about going to an event, or doing something with my family etc, until I remember that I’m not a normal person in a normal brain. That negative voice in my head steps to centre stage and reminds me what a panic attack feels like, and I live in fear of having another one.

These are just a few examples of how I am, or can be, my own worst enemy. Particularly the events related to my degree have recently made me question why I beat myself up so often and am so quick to punish myself for not fulfilling the vision of perfection that I seem to want to be.

How can I fix this?

I definitely need to understand why I seek perfection all the time, perhaps due to the fact that I wanted attention from my parents at a younger age and as I was never sporty I needed to gain their acceptance through my grades and being perfectly behaved. I need to remind myself that others cannot be controlled and I am not responsible for their behaviour – if somebody upsets me or acts in a negative way towards me, this does not take away from me as a person, and it doesn’t change that I am a good person. I need to continually appreciate what I have in my own life, instead of looking at the things that others have, and wanting the things that I don’t need or that aren’t good for me, in the face of needing to be this perfect vision again. I need to learn that “stuff” does not define me. What others have does not mean they are happy. I do not need to be like anyone else, I just need to be me!

I need to reassure myself when I look in the mirror that I am beautiful, because I am me. And I shouldn’t need anyone else to tell me that in order for me to believe it. I shouldn’t seek acceptance for the way I look from anyone else other than the mirror. I should be happy that I have a body that works and functions, as many people don’t. I also need to remind myself that 9.5 stone is not overweight. Whilst I am bigger than I’ve ever been before, that is because I am in a good place with my eating disorders and manage to eat in 9.9 out of 10 situations now. My eating habits are better because I am happier and surely thats more important than a few extra pounds around the stomach?! And if I really want to make a change, I need to stop making excuses and get in the gym, get out in the fresh air or on my bike and get that weight off me!!

I need to spend more time reaffirming the positive voice in my head, and being able to quieten the negative one, before she takes her place in the drivers seat. I need to continue to choose to live a life of happiness and not slip back into old habits because they feel like comfortable old clothes, because the thing is they are not beneficial to me, and they lead me to unhappiness.I need to allow myself to be alone, and to take a breath before I snap at those around me who just want to show me love. I need to remember that at the end of the day, there is only me, I am the only person I can truly rely on, and therefore that person should be the best that she can be, not perfect, not a vision of a billboard or a perfectionist society, but the truest form of “me” that I can be, and someone who is truly happy in their own skin. That’s all I need. I need to support myself, congratulate myself on my successes and appreciate that a success is not defined by 100% perfectionism, but instead it is continuing to try, to use resources, to test yourself and to be better than the person I was yesterday.

As of today, I am my own best friend. Goodbye to enemies.


Want to be happier? Then let it happen! 

We all want to be happier. We all want to feel more content. We all want to enjoy our lives to the fullest. But do any of us really know what happy means? Do any of us know what it feels like to be really, truly, ridiculously and irrevocably happy? And not because of someone else or being in love, or having materialistic items… but just because we’re happy within ourselves?

How often can you say you have been truly truly happy? For me, it is only a number of times, and these times I truly cherish. These memories are what keep me pushing on, and keep me wanting to live, in search of a life where that feel-good feeling never goes away.

But happy isn’t fully understood in our culture anymore. It’s externalised. It isn’t about who we are, it’s about what we have. And this is our fatal error.

What has being happy and attaining this idealism become to us?  Happy has become what we filter on to social media. It is what we hope our friends, and that stranger we don’t even remember we’re Facebook friends with, will ‘like’. Happy has become materialistic and happiness has become “I will be happy when…”, starting I will be happy when…I am in my new job, I have more “stuff”, I have a bigger house, I have more friends, I have more money etc. The list is never ending, and never really gets us to the end goal, as the next materialistic goal comes to light, and we aim for that to be happy. The minute we start to externalise, is the minute we rely on something, or someone, else to make us happy. And we shouldn’t. We should really focus on being truly happy alone, in our own skin, in our own minds.

What about if we stripped it back?

What about if we really thought about what happy is, does, and means?

What does happy mean to you?

Take out the “stuff” and the situational things like job and house. What does happy really mean?

How would you look if you were happy? How would you change?

What does it sound like. Doesn’t it sound great?

What does it look like? Draw it.

Most importantly, what does it feel like? How do you feel?

What would you need to change to get there? To true happiness? What would you need to shift in your current belief system?

And if you write this down, draw it and feel it, why aren’t you putting it into practice, letting it happen and working towards it?

We all deserve happiness, we just don’t know how to let it in.

  • Open yourself up like a book
  • Remind yourself you deserve to be happy
  • Indulge yourself in things you love
  • Remind yourself of all the things that you love about yourself
  • Strip back material items and “stuff” – don’t rely on those things for happiness
  • Use relaxation techniques
  • Exercise
  • Sleep
  • Stop making no excuses – what is stopping you?
  • Follow your dreams – what are your deepest dreams? Your aims and goals?
  • Spend time in the company of like-minded people, and those who lift you up
  • Make time for alone time – be comfortable in your own skin
  • Speak to a therapist, not because you’re broken, but because you’re in search of happiness. 2 of the best therapists I’ve ever seen did not focus on the bad or the past, but upon the future and the present, and how to let the good in

Its beginning to look a lot like…the time for social anxiety

Christmas is wonderful. And I genuinely mean that. I love the cosy nights in, the mulled wine, the snuggles under the tree, the shopping, the lights, the laughter, the family time, the wintery walks, the trips to see santa with my god daughter…I just love it all.

What I don’t love, is the social anxiety that comes with the season.

The invites to parties, the work christmas do, the drinks at friends houses, all of the festive outings. It can all get a bit overwhelming. Two days before my first proper work christmas party, I’m starting to get those butterflies that I know are telling me I’m anxious. And I really hope I can overcome it.

I have suffered with social anxiety for years and years. This used to manifest itself so terribly that I was physically ill (vomiting, stomach ache, dizzy etc) and tended to just shut myself behind my bedroom door and miss all the fun, in fear of the fear itself. I used to let down the people that I love the most, unable to get the courage to just push myself that little bit further.

I have grown a lot since then, and I have achieved many things socially that tell me I can do anything I want to do now. So why is that niggling fear still at the back of my brain? And why does it persist even now? Why does social anxiety stick around long after you think you’ve gotten over it?

In my opinion, old habits die hard. I lived 22 years within my 99% anxiety focussed brain. And 1 year outside of that percentage has been wonderful yes, but my habitual brain at times directs me to those old habits, wanting me to fall back into patterns of anxiety and seclusion.

How can I avoid that this year?

  • Remind myself how much I want to socialise – I don’t want to miss out, I want to have fun, I want to laugh with my friends and make memories and form strong bonds with people.
  • Be authentically myself – the real me, the truest presentation of myself, is fun-loving, silly, constantly giggling, confident, funny and happy. And this is the person I need to channel.
  • Be present – I need to stop myself from thinking about what could happen, what used to happen, and what I used to be afraid of.
  • Remember how far I’ve come – I must remember that I am not the person I once was
  • Believe in myself
  • Think about all the great things I have accomplished that were much bigger than a Christmas social occasion – who would have ever thought that little old me would have been on 2 holidays this year! I have been living outside my bubble of anxiety, and living the life I want to, I will not go backwards!
  • Remember that anxiety has no hold over me
  • Enjoy myself – allow myself to just have fun and let my hair down
  • Ignore my unhelpful thoughts – “you can’t do this”, “what if you’re sick”, “what if people notice”…these are all old voices in my head that have no control over me now, and have no place in my new life. I will not succumb to these evils anymore.
  • Remember that in my own company and in my own body I am safe – I have got my own back, I will protect myself
  • Act my age – I am 23 years of age and I should be out having fun, I don’t need to spend anymore of my life locked behind a door in fear of fear itself.
  • Allow myself to be happy

I am determined to make this Christmas season my best and most social yet, and not be bound by the fears of my past. I have written a list of all the things I want to do this Christmas, and that includes lots of socialising, fun and laughs with friends, family and my loved ones.

Wishing you all the best, bravest Christmas season to date x

How to build your self-esteem

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the status of my self esteem. Am I truly comfortable in my own skin? Or do I just tell myself that I am, and push it to the back of my mind, hoping that nothing comes to fruition that proves me wrong?

What do I think self-esteem is? I believe self-esteem to be the alliance between loving yourself, appreciating yourself and respecting yourself. I see self-esteem as being comfortable in your own skin, being able to tackle anything that life throws at you, and feeling strong and in control. I see those with good self-esteem as being proud to be who they are, strong in their beliefs, and content with themselves and those around them.

What is it really? What is it’s definition? The dictionary definition of self-esteem: selfesteem reflects a person’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self.

How do I show good self-esteem? I think I know my own mind, I can be very self-aware, and as my blog shows, I am learning to be congratulatory of my successes and focus less on my weaknesses or mistakes. I am beginning to feel just as worthy of all the good in the world as every body else. I am learning each and every day to feel more confident in my own skin – to wear what I like, to be able to leave the house without being plastered in makeup, and to be content with the person I am on the inside, which is kind, caring and loyal.

How do I show I lack it? At times, I still struggle to be the confident, self-loving person that I so truly want to be. I can sometimes feel inferior in the company of outgoing, loud people and this can sometimes make me retreat into my shell. I sometimes notice that others are more comfortable in their own skin than I am, and this makes me envious. I can be too quick to point out my flaws and not my successes with much more focus on the negative. My mind can continually beat itself up over genuine and unintentional mistakes.

What do I think caused my self-esteem issues? I believe that the majority of my negative behavioural patterns, including my battle with self-esteem, stems from my childhood. I wasn’t shown enough love and affection and attention from my parents, I saw things that a child shouldn’t have to see, I wasn’t complete, I didn’t know myself or how to conduct myself, and this relayed into adulthood. I was thrust from counsellor to counsellor, none of which actually helped me – which led me to the belief that nobody could help me because I didn’t deserve it. My depression spiralled my low self-esteem deeper and deeper into a pit of self-loathing, which ultimately led to suicidal thoughts and self harm. I had no respect for my body, or my mind. And no sense of worthiness or deservingness. I had no sense of control over myself, and simply was lost in my own little bubble. Every step I took in the wrong direction worsened my self-belief, or lack thereof.

My experiences with low self-esteem: We’ve all been there, we’ve all felt lower than low, hating our appearance, our lives our jobs, our hair, amongst all the other things there is for us to dislike about ourselves. I have felt, even now in my current training position, not good enough to be doing a job, not clever enough, not worthy enough, not physically fit enough, just not enough.  And feeling not enough for something or someone is a miserable place to be. It turns into self-hatred, self-loathing and deep seated anger with yourself. I have struggled to build my self-esteem since I was a young girl, bullied at school, struggling with anxiety, depression and eating disorders, and trying to work out who I was. I have felt unable to cope, broken and unworthy of being fixed. Even in my counselling life, I have had some turbulence with my self-esteem and I share with you one memory of a particularly bad experience. I remember one particularly low point in my life when I was seeing a counsellor who specifically dealt with relationships – with family, with friends and with lovers – to try and break down this cocoon of so-called “safety” I had wrapped myself in that involved no trust, lots of aggression and fear and ultimately, to conquer these issues and become more positive and trusting in all relationships in my life. This was my goal anyway.  I went in to the therapy room which is, as I’m sure any of you who have experienced therapy, really quite daunting.  I sat down with a clear intention, and a good level of self-esteem and self-belief, in the mindset that I was here, I was proud of myself for taking the step, and I could overcome these issues I was facing.  When I began to explain my life story, this woman made me feel small. She made me feel small using her body language, her words, and her mannerisms. My self esteem immediately had been sucked out of me. This woman told me, in her own words, that I would never find love, and I would never find happiness and get rid of my anger. At this point I felt I had nowhere to turn – even the professionals were telling me I was no good, I was broken! I felt totally unworthy – someone else was confirming my worst fears, someone with a qualification! It took around 2 years for my self-esteem and self-belief to start building up after that, after seeing a new counsellor.

How has low self-esteem affected my life? Due to low self-esteem I have avoided social situations, lived a life of total exclusion and seclusion whereby I have not had any exciting experiences or made memories. Low self-esteem has assisted my eating disorders – my view of my body and hatred of it making me feel I had to starve myself or make myself sick. I have been to the depths of depression and self-hatred, and ultimately, it has aided my self-harm and suicidal thoughts too.

I no longer want low self-esteem to be an issue in my life. I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and for it to be clear in the way I conduct myself that I am confident, content and comfortable. 

By doing a little research, and gathering information from the internet and also from my experience in life and seeing different counsellors, I have begun to write a list entitled ‘How can I build my self-esteem?’

  • Being kind to myself and forgiving all my misgivings, mistakes and allowing myself to see that I am only human.
  • By not pretending to be anyone else, I can build myself up to be who I want to be, instead of basing my confidence on the confidence of someone else. I need to be self-confident in my own right and in my own skin, as me.
  • Whilst not pretending or trying to be anyone else, I can pick up hints and behavioural patterns from those around me, and those who make me feel comfortable in their presence and who exude self-confidence and contentment. Sometimes we learn a lot from observing behaviours we do and do not want for ourselves, and applying them to our own lives.
  • Learning to say yes when I want to say yes, and no when I want to say no. Becoming more assertive can mean that I am expressing what I want to do and what I don’t and therefore having some control over myself.
  • Challenging myself and putting myself out of my comfort zone in order to have new experiences and live the life I have always wanted to but perhaps haven’t believed I could – for example, I have booked to go to Europe to visit a friend alone next January. This is something I never would have believed I could achieve a year, or even 6 months ago. Now, I believe I can, so I will.
  • Looking at myself in the mirror more, and appreciating what I see and making an effort to feel good in my own skin.
  • Taking good care of my body by eating healthily, drinking lots of water and exercising
  • Repeating positive mantras such as “I can do this”, “I am strong enough” and “I am worthy and deserving”, to really drill into my brain that I can do whatever I set my heart on.
  • Challenging old beliefs. What do I believe about this? What made me feel this way? Is this true? What about if I thought about it differently? Which leads me to…
  • Creating new beliefs about things that I have previously held negativity around. For example my beliefs about marriage have been entirely negative: dangerous, emotional, hard work and confrontation (to name but a few). By writing down a new belief system, beliefs that I want to invest in, and training my mind to see what I want to see, I can begin to live this way. This can be done for friendships, love, jobs, parents etc.
  • Doing things you enjoy – having a job that is fulfilling and challenges you in the right areas, before coming home and having a fulfilling personal life, full of great friends, stimulating conversation, hobbies, reading, exercising, and love.
  • A good personal hygiene regiment. This sounds silly, but when you feel low and lacking in self-esteem, you tend to (without realising it) let go of your personal hygiene routine. Keeping yourself clean, washing your face, brushing your teeth, applying a face mask or a hair mask, going for a massage or a facial etc will make you feel much more positive and ready to face the day.
  • Trying to be open – to give and receive advice, love, compliments etc
  • Sleeping better is one of the linking factors that can help all mental illness and negative thought patterns. A good sleep hygiene routine can make you feel more equipped to face the day and truly refreshed.
  • Focus on the good things about myself, for example writing a list of qualities I love about myself – kind, caring, intelligent, inquisitive, loyal, honest, feisty, funny, hopeful, passionate (even writing that short list made me feel good!!)
  • Creating a scrap book of positivity is something I’m working on right now too. Something that I can go to that contains my list of positive things and things I love about myself, positive affirmations, my hopes and dreams, my loves and hobbies, ways I have made myself proud etc. This is something I can look back on when I’m feeling a bit low, and realise my accomplishments.
  • Spend your time with loving, uplifting, supportive, honest and caring people who want to see you happy and build you up.
  • Getting into the habit of saying more positive things, thinking more positive thoughts, smiling more, keeping note of the good things no matter how little, and trying to shift the balance to 90:10 to positivity!

There is a fine line between being confident in yourself and being self-loving, and being arrogant and cocky. The latter is not an attractive quality, nor is it truly conducive to a healthy and happy person. It is so important to be comfortable with yourself, to love who you are and to believe in yourself, as at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, ourself is all we really have, and if we’re happy with that person, it’s all we need.


Making new choices

A short thought of the day from me today.

This week has been the start of my new course, and my new adventure into the life of a trainee vet nurse. With the new study, comes a new place to learn, new faces, new challenges and a whole lot of change. To someone with anxiety, this is a risk. To someone who has panic attacks, it is a sure fire danger zone.

What dawned on me when driving to college on Monday morning was this: I had a choice. I could either make it easy on myself, or extremely hard. And hard hasn’t worked so far for me. So how about I choose something new?

Enter the new relaxed, excited version of myself, and the one who chooses to just embrace change, instead of fear it, and chooses positivity and happiness instead of anxiety and panic attacks. I’m proud of myself and who I am becoming. Long may she reign!

5 ways I try to keep myself from slipping into a depressive state

Welcome to last of my 5 days and 5 ways posts. I hope you have enjoyed them so far. The idea behind the “5 ways…” posts is for me to acknowledge how I am changing and evolving in my life, and beating my issues and mental illnesses. It is all about acknowledging how far I have come, and reminding myself of the things I need to do to keep growing, in the hope that it also resonates with you, who is reading this!

If you haven’t had a chance to read the last 4 days’ posts, I have already discussed eating disorderspanic attacksself confidence and self belief and stopping the worry about what others think. Today’s final topic is a very close one to my heart, as it is probably the biggest thing I still face to this day…

5 ways I try to keep myself from slipping into a depressive state

I had severe depression from the age of 8 up until, probably last year.  I still have depression yes, but it’s control over me is minimal, and I have managed to be almost totally behind the drivers seat when it comes to my moods and low days. My depression was so severe, when at large, that it kept me in bed for 3 months straight, made me physically ill, destroyed friendships and relationships with family, and ultimately, made me want to die. It led me to self-harming, and suicidal thoughts on many occasions. I just didn’t see a way out, and I lived a half life, probably not even that. I was a prisoner in my own mind, hated myself and my life, and could see no way of breaking out of the habits that I had cultured myself for so long.

It has been nothing but an uphill struggle, with various trials of medications, therapists and self-help techniques along the way. What keeps me from slipping back?

  1. Taking my medication – I appreciate that not everybody agrees with medication, or believes that it is the path to choose when dealing with mental illness. Perhaps if I could do it all again, I would choose a different route. I have been taking antidepressants and beta-blockers for anxiety since I was 15 years old. It has taken some tweaking to find the right drug for me, and balancing the dosages, however I am finally at a stage that I can genuinely say my medication helps me.  I notice a difference in my moods if I forget to take it for a couple of days, and some more frequent low moods too. I don’t want to be on my medication forever, and I would love to slowly wean off them over time, however right now, as someone who is finally tasting what happiness is and getting addicted to it, I really don’t want to slip. Therefore, as medication is working for me at this present moment, then I am going to continue taking it regularly.
  2. Reminding myself why I want to live – As someone who knows that it feels like to want to give up on life, to wake up every morning and wish it was over, to hurt yourself yet feel no pain, to just want to die and to think about how you might do it, I know how blessed I am to be far from those thoughts now. I know how exhausting it is to feel so intensely sad that your energy to even breathe is depleted. I know what it is like to confine yourself to 4 walls. I know what it feels like to want people around you, but want to be alone even more. I know what it feels like to want to ask for help, but you can’t find the words, and you simply don’t believe anything will help. I know what it feels like to not have a purpose on this earth. I know what all of this feels like, and I never ever want it to become my reality again. I have fought so hard to get to a place of stability and I never want to feel as if my life is worthless again. To help myself from feeling that low again, I remind myself of why I choose to live: because I love the fresh air and nature, my dog, my friends and family, because I love to learn and gather knowledge, because I love food, and cooking and my kittens. I recently blogged about the reasons that I want to live: Reasons I choose life.  Hopefully, that blog post will explain in more detail how important it is to remember why you want to live!
  3. Doing things I love – when you feel low, you don’t enjoy doing anything, or seeing anyone.  The hardest thing is to break out of a pattern like that, and indulge in your favourite hobby or interest, and spend some time doing what you love, with who you love, or just spending time alone with yourself.  I love to read, cook, walk my dog, laugh with friends, spend time with my god daughter, explore Cornwall, eat, working at the Vets and I’m also very good at shopping! Doing the things I love helps to lift my mood, especially when done with people who lift my mood and support me.
  4. Having some alone time – recognising when I need to be alone to just think, and breathe is so so important to my mood. Sometimes I can feel irritable when surrounded by people constantly, as I think anyone can. Allowing myself some me (and my dog) time, allows me to recoup, and to just allow myself the healing time to get back to feeling calm and in control. My favourite alone time, is to just get the dog in the car, and drive where the mood takes us.  I am never happier than when she is running in front of me, wagging her tail, and this is the personal bliss I allow myself regularly; guilt-free me time is my favourite. IMG_1157
  5. Constantly reading blogs, articles, old notes etc – To keep growing and learning and finding new ways to improve my mood and keep myself positive.  I am always up for trying new home self-help techniques, and reading up on how to do so. The internet is a wonderful place for tools and information.  One article I would like to share with you is all about what depression is, what it feels like and how you can make a change: Mood Juice article about Depression. There are also worksheets, hypnotherapy apps, relaxing music apps, guides and blogs that assist me in remaining calm, and help to remind me that I am in a good place, and it can only get better. Moreover, WordPress has become my little agony aunt. I truly have no words for how much this blog has turned my life around. I am able to read the words of like-minded people, and those who have gone through what I have, and I receive comments from wonderful people who support me, and lift me up! That keeps me positive and happy!

I’m still battling the aftermath of the storm that depression brought to my life, and trying to create a calmness that helps me know I am in control of my mood. I want to continue along this path, to feel strong and happy, and able to overcome any adversity that life may throw my way, whilst remaining rooted to the ground and remembering that my life is worth something. Most importantly, I never want to feel worthless and like I want to end my life again.  What I must remember is that I am not my depression, and my depression is not me. It does not define me. It is an illness, and we can all recover from it.

I truly hope you have enjoyed my “5 ways…” posts, and that you have taken something from at least one of them that you can apply to your own life. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time out of your day to read my blog.

5 ways I have stopped myself from caring so much about what others think of me

Welcome to day 4 of my “5 ways…” posts, in which I have been blogging about 5 ways I have changed, overcome, or improved something in my life. I have already written about eating disorderspanic attacks and worthiness and deservingness and today’s blog addresses a topic that has been particularly relevant in the last couple of months of my life.

Today’s “5 ways…” deals with helping to stop yourself from caring about what others think of you, but also to keep yourself from adversity and bullies, and to stay strong and resilient to taunts:

5 ways I have stopped myself from caring so much about what others think of me

We all know how hard it is to ignore, or rise above the comments of others, and especially when we are dealing with mental illness. Mental illness often provides us with a more sensitive attitude towards the comments of others, as well as confidence and anxiety issues, and low self-esteem. With all of this going on in our heads, of course it is difficult to forget comments with a sting in the tail.

In my life recently, I have been dealing with work-place bullies, a situation made worse by the fact that these two individuals used to be my friends. The adversity I faced due to the comments of these individuals, along with their taunting and pushing for a reaction, caused me to feel extremely anxious, and doubt myself and all that I have worked to achieve in the past decade.  Then I got to thinking, why do these people get to have any affect on me? They shouldn’t.  And so I thought about how I could stop myself from being sensitive to the comments.

  1.  Evaluate what the person means to me – is the person who is making negative comments about the way I look, the way my hair is, my clothes, my hobbies and interests, or my family and friends important to me? Do I respect them? Would I trust them with my secrets? Do they have any hold over me? Do I like them? Do I value their opinion? If the answer to these questions is no, then why do I care what they think of me…I shouldn’t. Of course, it is easier said than done to let the opinions of others just go over your head without second thought, but in general, if I don’t hold this person high in my regard, then their comments should not be important to me.  The other thing to remember is that it is human nature to judge others, whether we like it or not.  We are all guilty of it.  The difference between me and perhaps another, is that I choose to keep negative judgements and opinions to myself, as I know that they will not be helpful to anyone.  The only way a negative criticism is helpful is if it to help the other person, to support them and to constructively aid them to a better resolution.
  2.  Continue working on my self belief and self esteem, and be the best version of me – the thing with bullies is, they are often just jealous people, who are green with envy over what you have, or what you are. Not to assume that all nasty comments come from bullies, but in my experience, this has been the case. Therefore, if the individual is jealous, and I keep working on being the best version of myself that I possibly can (the happiest, most content version for myself, and myself only – not to prove a point), then I’m neither letting them bring me down, nor interfere with my journey, all the while allowing their jealousy to eat them up inside, and not me! Furthermore, it is so important to continue to work on your self-esteem and self-belief. Ways in which I do this, are stated in my previous “5 ways…” post: click here to read. In doing so, you are allowing yourself to be in the best position to ignore, and give no credibility to the comments of others and their beliefs about you.  If you strongly know who you are and what you stand for, right down to your soul, and you believe in yourself, then small-minded comments will never hold much credence…and this is what we want
  3.  Stand up for myself – If someone makes a comment about you that you think is unfair, unjust or uncalled for, why shouldn’t you calmly and rationally assert your ability to stand up for yourself? Nobody should have to be a sitting target. Without sinking to a level of nastiness, question, respond and give yourself the power to defend yourself.
  4.  Walk away/ignore – one of the most powerful things to do in the face of adversity, is to walk away.  What it is vital to remember is that walking away DOES NOT make you weak. Walking away actually makes you the stronger person.  Why? Because you are stronger than the need to retaliate, and sink to the level of others. I also practice the art of ignoring comments that are made to rile me.  For example, when at work a couple of months ago, I was asked “why aren’t you eating? You’re weird. You’re not normal. Why can’t you eat like everybody else?”  I identified this comment as neither caring, nor helpful, and therefore I decided it best to ignore the comment, and not give this person the time of day.  To me, it seemed these questions were asked by someone who did not think before they spoke, and could not fathom the fact that there may be a reason behind my not eating.  By ignoring and not rising to her comments, as well as deciding that this person was not relevant or important in my life, I allowed myself to be unaffected by them. By walking away or ignoring a negative comment, you are allowing yourself to take the upper hand, and to save yourself from participating in a conversation that could potentially be further damaging to your progress.
  5.  Surround myself with supportive and loving friends and family – with loving, supportive and like-minded people (and one specific springer spaniel!) around me, who only comment to build me up, boost my confidence, compliment me, and make me smile or laugh, I am much more able to not worry about the opinions of those who do not add to this bubble of happiness. Neither can they take away from what I do have. It is so important to remain yourself, don’t give credence to criticisms or negative opinions, surround yourself with wonderful people and wonderful things, and build a life based on positivity, confidence and contentment.

Anybody that tells you they don’t care what others say, and don’t listen to criticisms and think on them, may be telling the truth, however they have not always been this way. It is important of course to remain able to distinguish between the comments of those you respect, and whom love and care about you and would only comment to further you growth, from the comments of small-minded, often jealous and immature people who comment to get a reaction, or make themselves feel better.  The first of the two, is what we need in life, and the latter, we have no space for in our minds. That way, bullies will never win, and we will always remain silently, internally victorious…because we are strong, and untouchable.

5 ways I remind myself that I am worthy and deserving

For 5 days, I am uploading posts entitled “5 ways…”. These posts explain the ways in which I am moving forward in my life, and making changes towards a future in which I no longer suffer, or feel fear and sadness.

If you’ve missed the first 2 posts, I have already discussed eating disorders and panic attacksIn today’s post, I will be discussing:

5 ways I remind myself that I am worthy and deserving

In all my life, I have never seen myself as worthy and deserving of pretty much anything. As a result, I have chosen paths in life that will only cause pain, in my social life, personal life, and in simple daily choices, as well as the things I tell myself in my own head. Believing I am worthy and deserving of  anything and everything this life has to offer is one of the first steps to being able to fully heal and live a life of happiness and fulfilment. So why is it so hard to fathom that we deserve all the good in this world? I guess depression gives you a false picture of yourself, low self esteem, and a worthiness rating of -100. This doesn’t mean the belief has any truth behind it of course, but convincing yourself you are not worthless and undeserving when your opinion of yourself is lower than low, is something I have really had to work on.

  1. Saw a therapist – One of the main things I used to discuss with one of the therapists I have seen, one of the ones that have really understood me, is my lack of self esteem and consequently my worthiness and deservingness. When I first started therapy, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of feeling better, I hated myself, and didn’t see why I was worth all the effort and time that others were showing me. I was drowning in insecurities, and, alongside my anxiety and depression, they paralysed me entirely, keeping me from wearing certain clothes, going to certain events etc. Changing the belief that I wasn’t worth it was one of the hardest things to tackle for me, and I still tackle it today.  My therapist told me to spend a lot of time meditating, writing down 50 things I like about myself (which seems quite a lot, but is something I still haven’t completed and something that I add to as and when I think of something else), to exercise and eat right, to spend some time looking in the mirror and telling myself that I was worth it and I loved myself (something that is easier said than done!) and to surround myself with people who only build me up.  Further to this, I read around the subject a lot, and there are some great online free courses which I completed that made me change my way of thinking, and see that I am just as worthy and deserving as anyone else on the planet.
  2. Thought of myself as a baby – My therapist also used some powerful imagery that sticks with me and actually makes me feel very emotional every time I use it to remind myself of my worth.  Imagine yourself as the new born baby you once were, just hours old. Imagine looking down at the baby. Imagine saying to that baby all the things that you think of yourself now. My comments included, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re not strong enough”, “you don’t deserve to be happy”, “you aren’t worth it”. Why are these statements true for a newborn baby? Why would you say these things to another soul? This imagery really resounds with me, as anyone with a heart would say that no, that baby does not deserve those comments and any negativity. The thing is, we all are still those babies…just a little bigger. So if we wouldn’t say it to our younger self, why do we deserve to hear it now? What have we done that is so awful that we don’t have the right to happiness, and to feel worthy and deserving, just like that little baby? The truth is, we have done nothing. We still are worthy of all that we were on the day we were born. It’s so important to remember that.
  3. Questioned the negative beliefs – Following the thought that we are as deserving as we were on the day we came into this world, I got to thinking about challenging all of the negative thoughts that those darn voices in my head insisted on screaming repeatedly at me.  I wanted to question why…Why wasn’t I good enough? What had I done wrong? Why wasn’t I strong enough? What evidence was there for these beliefs?  Why wasn’t I worthy? Why aren’t I deserving? The truth? I couldn’t answer any of these questions with an answer that had any credibility. Doesn’t therefore prove that I am all of the things I have believed I am not for such a long time?
  4.  Ignored the thoughts – Just as I would ignore negative comments from bullies, and outsiders, I focussed upon ignoring and quietening the thoughts inside my head, and trying to forget them.  Yes, it is hard to reverse and ignore the beliefs that you have taught yourself. It is so much more peaceful and serene when you ignore those voices, and when you remind yourself of the baby imagery, and question the beliefs, and spend some time writing 50 qualities you like about yourself, get out into nature and exercise, spend time with people that love you, and doing what you love. It’s another form of distraction, just like when I try and avoid my panic attacks.  If I shut up the thoughts as they develop, and distract myself, then I don’t give the negativity the time of day to flourish.
  5.  Reached for my dreams – When I was feeling particularly low, with no self-esteem or self-belief, hating myself, and believing I wasn’t worthy of any good in the world, I hardly lived. I experienced nothing but the mundane, day to day life that I confined myself to out of fear and anxiety of change. I woke up, went to school or college or work, ate, and went back to sleep. That was that. No excitement, no enjoyment and no memories. I will never get that time back, and that makes me sad.  Since I started working on my self-esteem and my positive thoughts about myself, challenging my past beliefs, and realising that I am worthy and deserving, I have been able to see that in following my dreams, I will be living the life I want to, and the life I should! Believing in myself and my ability to live as I wish, and believing that I should be allowed all the good the world has to offer has allowed me to follow my dream career path of veterinary nursing, go on holiday, book a volunteering experience to Thailand, and perhaps most importantly to write this blog.

Believing in yourself when you have a mental illness is one of the hardest things, and it really does take some practice, and some time and dedication to making sure you see how wonderful you are. It’s not about being cocky, or arrogant, but having a confidence in you, and in your own skin, and the ability to recognise that you are just as deserving of all there is on this planet and beyond, as every other human, animal and alien.  And in believing this, you will see that you are oh so worthy of getting better, and being happy, and laughing, and making memories, and love and warmth and light, and all of those other things that make you feel fuzzy inside.

5 ways I have taken steps towards eradicating my eating disorders

Welcome to the first of my “5 ways” post.  For the next 5 days, I will be posting about 5 ways in which I have conquered something, changed something, improved something or managed something in my life.  The aim of this is to not only see how I have grown in different areas, but also to prove to anybody reading this that overcoming and changing things is possible, and to hopefully help to give recipes for which to do so.

So, without further ado…

5 ways I have taken steps towards eradicating my eating disorders

If you have kept up to date with my blog, you will know that from a very young age, I have suffered greatly with my relationship with food, and tried to develop ways in which I could change this, often to no avail. I have had anorexia, binge eating disorder and bulimia on and off since I was 8 years old, and still to this day on occasion feel more in control of my body if it is empty. I have battled and fought hard for years to change my disordered eating habits. How have I taken the steps to do so?

1.Doing my research – I have researched into how not eating and controlling your food intake in a negative way affects your body, your organs and your mind.  In doing so, I almost scared myself into making little steps into changing my eating. By researching what could happen to my body if I continued my eating patterns, I saw how dangerous it truly was.  When you skip two meals a day, starve your body, and then overfill it, followed by making yourself violently sick, your body is driven to the extreme. I took for granted how lucky I was to not have any serious problems, but the fear of what could happen to my body if I continued these dangerous habits, definitely did hit me like a tonne of bricks. I needed to make a change!  I would like to share with you the information I found on the National Eating Disorders website:

Health Consequences of Anorexia Nervosa

In anorexia nervosa’s cycle of self-starvation, the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs to function normally.  Thus, the body is forced to slow down all of its processes to conserve energy, resulting in serious medical consequences:

  • Abnormally slow heart rate and low blood pressure, which mean that the heart muscle is changing.  The risk for heart failure rises as the heart rate and blood pressure levels sink lower and lower.
  • Reduction of bone density (osteoporosis), which results in dry, brittle bones.
  • Muscle loss and weakness.
  • Severe dehydration, which can result in kidney failure.
  • Fainting, fatigue, and overall weakness.
  • Dry hair and skin; hair loss is common.
  • Growth of a downy layer of hair called lanugo all over the body, including the face, in an effort to keep the body warm.

Health Consequences of Bulimia Nervosa

The recurrent binge-and-purge cycles of bulimia can affect the entire digestive system and can lead to electrolyte and chemical imbalances in the body that affect the heart and other major organ functions.  Some of the health consequences of bulimia nervosa include:

  • Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and death.  Electrolyte imbalance is caused by dehydration and loss of potassium, sodium and chloride from the body as a result of purging behaviors.
  • Potential for gastric rupture during periods of bingeing.
  • Inflammation and possible rupture of the esophagus from frequent vomiting.
  • Tooth decay and staining from stomach acids released during frequent vomiting.
  • Chronic irregular bowel movements and constipation as a result of laxative abuse.
  • Peptic ulcers and pancreatitis.

Health Consequences of Binge Eating Disorder

Binge eating disorder often results in many of the same health risks associated with clinical obesity. Some of the potential health consequences of binge eating disorder include:

  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol levels
  • Heart disease as a result of elevated triglyceride levels
  • Type II diabetes mellitus
  • Gallbladder disease

2. Listening to my body – In a similar way to the research I had carried out, another way I realised that my eating disorders were dangerous, was in the signs of my own health.  I have always seen myself as a ‘sickly person’, which here means that I picked up every cough, cold and bug that was within 100 miles of my location. I now realise that as a result of having an empty body, not nourishing myself and trying to run my body with no fuel, I left my immune system weak and a target for attack. When I finally realised how much feeling poorly and picking up all of these illnesses was affecting my life, I knew this had to stop. Hand in hand with my anxiety of social situations, and my depression wanting to keep me indoors, I used to miss out on things I wanted to do with my friends, as I simply felt too poorly, or had no energy. I can totally see why! You can’t expect a car to move with no petrol in it! When I realised the effect that this was taking on my body, and the lack of energy I had, alongside always feeling unwell, I began to make a change. I began to listen to my body. Although there are still times where physically my body is hungry and my anxiety implores me not to eat, in the main I do listen to when my body needs food, and when I should stop eating. I listen to my body rather than my mind, and as a result I no longer make myself sick. I have realised that my body needs the food, and to process it to release energy throughout the day. I now put my physical health well up there in my priorities – especially following my recent operation – and this has allowed me to see the importance of regular food intake and encouraged me to listen to what my body needs. In doing so, I have gained the confidence to eat out in public – something that I never thought I could do and used to induce terrible panic attacks. If my body wants it, my body gets it!

3. Forgiveness for myself – one of the most important things I have learned to do is to forgive myself. I forgive myself if I can’t eat lunch that one day, or if I eat too much the next. Because I know what not eating at all felt like, I know how far I have come and how much the uphill struggle has nearly pushed me over the edge, and I am proud of myself. And that deserves forgiveness for the slips, and for the past.

4. Allowing myself to eat what I want, when I want it – I will never be a breakfast eater.  If you call 11am readiness to eat breakfast, then I guess I can do breakfast.  However, upon first waking, I simply couldn’t think of anything worse than eating. I know, I know, they say it is the most important meal of the day. But I still know my own body…I’ve been in it for 22 years! My body simply isn’t ready for food in the morning, and I need a little warming up before I’m ready to eat. But I allow that. And if I want brunch, followed immediately by lunch, I’ll allow that. If I want two lunches, I will. If I want 7 meals a day, I will do that too. I know this doesn’t work for everyone, and I am super lucky to have a fast metabolism that means my eating ups and downs doesn’t really seem to have much effect on my weight at the moment, but it works for me. I feel differently every day, and I eat what I want, when I want.  This particular rule has made me feel more in control of my eating habits, and taken the pressure off myself. I am not the same as everyone else, and neither are you! We do not have to stick to the “norm” and eat 3 meals a day with a few snacks here and there. People who have suffered from eating disorders can eat when the hell they want!! It’s a celebration that we feel comfortable enough to eat, and no longer feel constricted by dangerous habits.

5. No longer listening to the opinions of others – leading on from the idea that we do not have to follow the “norm” of 3 set meals a day, another way that I have taken a step forward into the eradication of my disordered eating, is to stop listening to what others think about my eating habits.  If I had a pound/dollar/insert currency here for every time someone had commented on my not eating being “weird” or been questioned as to “why aren’t you eating?”, I would be a millionaire in all four corners of the world. I used to worry so much about what people thought, that it would make me more anxious, and therefore even less likely to eat.  It was a vicious circle. But why should I let small-minded, sheltered individuals who simply don’t understand dictate my health? I decided that I no longer care for the opinions of people who judge without asking caring questions. They just want to pass judgement, not find out if I am okay. And those are the people we need to ignore. Those are the people that bring us down. Ignore, and be you!

I’ve still got a long journey ahead to be happy with where I am in my little eating bubble, but my progression has exceeded anything I ever expected, and I am truly proud of myself. This was one of my biggest problems, and the improvements have genuinely changed my life for the better. Here’s to more growth, more change, and more food!