As I lie in my post-endometriosis surgery sick bed, I find myself evaluating my life. These times of quiet rest can be dangerous in a manic, noisy brain like mine.
I’ve only been bed bound for 48 hours post anaesthetic and already I’m feeling low, as if nothing is good in my life, as if nothing will ever be good again. Why? Because my body and mind are bored, restrained within the confines of my four walls, restricted to rest that I simply don’t want.
Maybe it’s worse because the weather outside my window is calling me outside to play in the sun. Maybe it’s worse because there is a festival on down the road, of which there are thousands of social media images of people I don’t even like having a wonderful time. Maybe it’s because I’m fed up with working, working, working and having no time for play. Maybe it’s because the only time I stop is to be poorly, or to not even be that, but to be on bed rest due to being rearranged from the inside out!
What is going through my head? I can’t remember the last time I laughed and meant it, I can’t remember the last time I had a whole week of fun or enjoyed a full day of my life. I can’t remember not waiting for something, feeling as though the train to happiness is just around the corner but never turns up at my station. I can’t remember not feeling like this.
And then I stop and realise how far I’ve come, how many memories I have made, how many steps forward, how many achievements, how many barriers broken, how many laughs, how many celebrations. And I realise that actually, 48 hours of bed rest should not allow me to view my life as negative, or to fill my mind with poison.
Just because I’ve had 2 days of boredom, pain and loneliness, I am not to think that all my days are filled with this.
Not everyday is going to be my best, and not every moment is going to be filled with radical, Earth-shattering moments. Sometimes, the moments in between are the space fillers required to get through this crazy thing we call life. And right now is one of those.
My best days are yet to come, and the train will be at my station in no time.