3 days of demons: day 3

Sorry for the delay in my 3rd post. There has been two major reasons for said delay:

1) I’ve been ridiculously busy with uni, assignments, working 7 days a week, organising a fundraising event and trying to have some sort of social life

2) this post has been the hardest to write about

Day 3 of my demons is all about my struggles to form long lasting and meaningful relationships. Welcome to my darkest demon, running deep into the pit of who I am, and through my veins. Welcome to something I never talk about, and something I would still rather keep to myself. But welcome, to my healing.

I have had problems with forming relationships with people for years, namely since my abusive stepfather came into my life when I was 8 years old. As a result of his volatile nature, manic depression, anger and alcoholism, I was forced to believe that relationships with men were something that should be feared. Hard wired into my childlike brain (subconsciously I might add) was that men were dangerous, and had the potential to destroy me. I truly had a fear of interaction with men on any level.

  • Growing up, I had many male friends and I enjoyed their company but it never went beyond that, neither did I ever socialise beyond the school gates.
  • I was too anxious and couldn’t meet up with any males outside of school
  • Social fears around groups with males within them prevented me from getting involved in many parties, gatherings and events.

Why do I have fears of men?

  • Fear of their strength
  • Fear of their power
  • Fear of the past repeating itself

When you have had a negative male figure in your life who has used their strength and power for abuse, it is so hard to then let that image of men be positive in your mind, and to remember that not every man will use the strength that they have.

Is it just men that I struggle to trust? No. My fears in relationships also, to a lesser extent, related to friendships, family interactions and professional ties. This shows itself in that I:

  • Am too giving in friendships
  • Am too eager to be liked
  • Managed to attract negative people – those who didn’t really value my friendship
  • Fear being talked about in a negative way
  • I do not like to let people too close to me – to see the cracks within myself
  • I do not like to be analysed
  • I like to be given space and to be alone.

I have a problem with presenting myself whole heartedly to anyone in the world, I guess I don’t want them to see me for who I really am. I guess I’m scared of judgement, of failure, and of learning of the negatives about myself.

I have grown in many ways in my relationships, however there are still things that hold me back. Ostensibly, I have anxieties and fears in creating relationships and friendships alike, and this all stems from my abusive past, fear of being judged or hurt, a lack of self belief, and needing to feel accepted at all times. Most importantly, I have a severe fear of intimacy.

I need to attack each issue one by one.

First…anxiety within my intimate relationships. I read an article on anxiety in relationships that I would like to share with you:

How to Deal with Relationship Anxiety

Taken from pyschalive.org

relationship anxietyRelationships can be one of the most pleasurable things on the planet… but they can also be a breeding ground for anxious thoughts and feelings. Relationship anxiety can arise at pretty much any stage of courtship. For many single people, just the thought of being in a relationship can stir up stress. If and when people do start dating, the early stages can present them with endless worries: “Does he/she really like me?” “Will this work out?” “How serious is this?” Unfortunately, these worries don’t tend to subside in the later stages of a romantic union. In fact, as things get closer between a couple, anxiety can get even more intense. Thoughts come flooding in like: “Can this last?” “Do I really like him/her?” “Should we slow down?” “Am I really ready for this kind of commitment?” “Is he/she losing interest?”

All this worrying about our relationships can make us feel pretty alone. It can lead us to create distance between ourselves and our partner. At its worst, our anxiety can even push us to give up on love altogether. Learning more about the causes and effects of relationship anxiety can help us to identify the negative thinking and actions that can sabotage our love lives. How can we keep our anxiety in check and allow ourselves to be vulnerable to someone we love?

What Causes Relationship Anxiety?

Put simply, falling in love challenges us in numerous ways we don’t expect. The more we value someone else, the more we stand to lose. On many levels, both conscious and unconscious, we become scared of being hurt. To a certain degree, we all possess a fear of intimacy. Ironically, this fear often arises when we are getting exactly what we want, when we’re experiencing love as we never have or being treated in ways that are unfamiliar.

As we get into a relationship, it isn’t just the things that go on between us and our partner that make us anxious.; it’s the things we tell ourselves about what’s going on. The “critical inner voice” is a term used to describe the mean coach we all have in our heads that criticizes us, feeds us bad advice and fuels our fear of intimacy. It’s the one that tells us:

“You’re too ugly/fat/boring to keep his/her interest.”

“You’ll never meet anyone, so why even try?”

“You can’t trust him. He’s looking for someone better.”

“She doesn’t really love you. Get out before you get hurt.”

This critical inner voice makes us turn against ourselves and the people close to us. It can promote hostile, paranoid and suspicious thinking that lowers our self-esteem and drives unhealthy levels of distrust, defensiveness, jealousy and anxiety. Basically, it feeds us a consistent stream of thoughts that undermine our happiness and make us worry about our relationship, rather than just enjoying it.

When we get in our heads, focusing on these worried thoughts, we become incredibly distracted from real relating with our partner. We may start to act out in destructive ways, making nasty comments or becoming childish or parental toward our significant other. For example, imagine your partner stays at work late one night. Sitting home alone, your inner critic starts telling you, “Where is she? Can you really believe her? She probably prefers being away from you. She’s trying to avoid you. She doesn’t even love you anymore.” These thoughts can snowball in your mind until, by the time your partner gets home, you’re feeling insecure, furious or paranoid. You may act angry or cold, which then sets your partner off to feel frustrated and defensive. Pretty soon, you’ve completely shifted the dynamic between you. Instead of enjoying the time you have together, you may waste an entire night feeling withdrawn and upset with each other. You’ve now effectively forced the distance you initially feared. The culprit behind this self-fulfilling prophecy isn’t the situation itself. It’s that critical inner voice that colored your thinking, distorted your perceptions, and ultimately, led you down a destructive path.

When it comes to all of the things we worry ourselves about in relationships, we are much more resilient than we think. In truth, we can handle the hurts and rejections that we so fear. We can experience pain, and eventually, heal. However, our critical inner voice tends to terrorize and catastrophize reality. It can rouse serious spells of anxiety about dynamics that don’t exist and threats that aren’t even tangible. Even when there are real things going on, someone breaks up with us or feels an interest in someone else, our critical inner voice will tear us apart in ways we don’t deserve. It will completely distort reality and undermine our own strength and resilience. It’s that cynical roommate that always gives bad advice. “You can’t survive this. Just put your guard up and never be vulnerable to anyone else.”

The defenses we form and critical voices we hear are based on our own unique experiences and adaptations. When we feel anxious or insecure, some of us have a tendency to become clingy and desperate in our actions. We may feel possessive or controlling toward our partner in response. Conversely, some of us will feel easily intruded on in our relationships. We may retreat from our partners, detach from our feelings of desire. We may act out by being aloof, distant or guarded. These patterns of relating can come from our early attachment styles. Our attachment pattern is established in our childhood attachments and continues to function as a working model for relationships in adulthood. It influences how each of us reacts to our needs and how we go about getting them met. Different attachment styles can lead us to experience different levels of relationship anxiety.

What Thoughts Perpetuate Relationship Anxiety?

The specific critical inner voices we have about ourselves, our partner and relationships are formed out of early attitudes we were exposed to in our family or in society at large. Sexual stereotypes as well as attitudes that our influential caretakers had toward themselves and others can infiltrate our point of view and shade our current perceptions. While, everyone’s inner critic is different, some common critical inner voices include:

Critical Inner Voices about the Relationship

  • People just wind up getting hurt.
  • Relationships never work out.

Voices about Your Partner

  • Men are so insensitive, unreliable, selfish.
  • Women are so fragile, needy, indirect.
  • He only cares about being with his friends.
  • Why get so excited? What’s so great about her anyway?
  • He’s probably cheating on you.
  • You can’t trust her.
  • He just can’t get anything right.

Voices about Yourself

  • You’re never going to find another person who understands you.
  • Don’t get too hooked on her.
  • He doesn’t really care about you.
  • She is too good for you.
  • You’ve got to keep him interested.
  • You’re better off on your own.
  • As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
  • You’ve got to be in control.
  • It’s your fault if he gets upset.
  • Don’t be too vulnerable or you’ll just wind up getting hurt.

How Does Relationship Anxiety Affect Us?

As we shed light into our past, we quickly realize there are many early influences that have shaped our attachment pattern, our psychological defenses and our critical inner voice. All of these factors contribute to our relationship anxiety and can lead us to sabotage our love lives in many ways. Listening to our inner critic and giving in to this anxiety can result in the following actions:

  • Cling – When we feel anxious, our tendency may be to act desperate toward our partner. We may stop feeling like the independent, strong people we were when we entered the relationship. As a result, we may find ourselves falling apart easily, acting jealous or insecure or no longer engaging in independent activities.
  • Control – When we feel threatened, we may attempt to dominate or control our partner. We may set rules about what they can and can’t do just to alleviate our own feelings of insecurity or anxiousness. This behavior can alienate our partner and breed resentment.
  • Reject – If we feel worried about our relationship, one defense we may turn to is aloofness. We may become cold or rejecting to protect ourselves or to beat our partner to the punch. These actions can be subtle or overt, yet it is almost always a sure way to force distance or to stir up insecurity in our partner.
  • Withhold – Sometimes, as opposed to explicit rejection, we tend to withhold from our partner when we feel anxious or afraid. Perhaps things have gotten close, and we feel stirred up, so we retreat. We hold back little affections or give up on some aspect of our relationship altogether. Withholding may seem like a passive act, but it is one of the quietest killers of passion and attraction in a relationship.
  • Punish – Sometimes, our response to our anxiety is more aggressive, and we actually punish, taking our feelings out on our partner. We may yell and scream or give our partner the cold shoulder. It’s important to pay attention to how much our actions are a response to our partner and how much are they a response to our critical inner voice.
  • Retreat – When we feel scared in a relationship, we may give up real acts of love and intimacy and retreat into a “fantasy bond.” A fantasy bond is an illusion of connection that replaces real acts of love. In this state of fantasy, we focus on form over substance. We may stay in the relationship to feel secure but give up on the vital parts of relating. In a fantasy bond, we often engage in many of the destructive behaviors mentioned above as a means to create distance and defend ourselves against the anxiety that naturally comes with feeling free and in love. Learn more about the fantasy bond here.

How Can I Overcome Relationship Anxiety?

In order to overcome, relationship anxiety, we must shift our focus inward. We have to look at what’s going on inside us, separate from our partner or the relationship. What critical inner voices are exacerbating our fears? What defenses do we possess that could be creating distance? This process of self-discovery can be a vital step in understanding the feelings that drive our behavior, and ultimately, shape our relationship. By looking into our past, we can gain better insight into where these feelings come from. What caused us to feel insecure or turned on ourselves in relation to love?

In my intimate relationship, I also manifest my lack of self esteem. My hatred for my physical self inevitably affects every part of this relationship. I need to learn to love myself, practice my loving exercises, eat healthily and exercise, and learn to be truly grateful for the skin I am in. I must not fear men – their strength is a positive, and will never be used against me. Most of all, I need to remember that I will never let myself be surrounded by anyone who remotely resembles my step dad ever again. I will not relive my past. And I must move beyond it now.

Friendships: Although I have yet to figure out how to truly tackle problems friendships, trust and self esteem issues for good, I am on the way to improving them. I have long-standing friendships, I let people go when they no longer add positivity to my life.

I need to remember that:

  • Other people’s opinion and judgements of me are not reflective of who I really am, nor do they take anything away from me
  • If I don’t like something that someone has analysed about me, I need to consider whether it is true, and whether it is something I am proud of – if not, I need to change it
  • I need to choose people in my life who are positive and easy going and do not give me anxiety
  • I need to be surrounded by supportive people
  • I do actually enjoy the company of others, bouncing off of them and learning about them
  • Appreciate all those already in my life
  • I need to let go of the reigns more, breathe and stop panicking
  • I need to allow myself to just enjoy the company of others

These are my personal aims at the moment – working and building upon healthy, happy relationships on all levels with great, happy, positive people. Have you had any similar experiences? Please share them with me, I would love to have your advice.

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