Thank you to all that read my last post, in my first part of my trilogy: 3 days of demons! It’s no Lord of the rings, but it’s real, it’s true, and it’s me baring my soul and opening up in order to move past my problems and learn.
Day 2’s post is a demon that I have posted about before, but it is something that I have a real ongoing struggle with and have yet to overcome. My 2nd demon is money!
When I think about money, I think about a red devil pinching 20’s from my purse, or the shop declining my card or being minus in my account. I never associate money with positive things, and I never allow myself to have it.
My problem with money started way back when I was a child, but in a totally different way…I was constantly hoarding and saving. Why? To have something for my own, that nobody else could have or take away from me. I suppose in the back of my mind I felt in control of something, and that I could leave my violent home at the drop of a hat if necessary. I had squirrelled away hundreds and hundreds of pounds in my wardrobe. Oh how I wish I had this habit now!
Now, my habits include: blowing money, spending it when I know I shouldn’t, a heavy addiction to “things”, buying people presents or “things” in order to gain what I hope to be more valid friendships, never being able to say no to spending, having no limits.
Why do I have such a problem with money?
- No control as a child, needing something to control and have for my own.
- Now with the spending – my low opinion of myself meaning I don’t believe I deserve to save and to have and keep?
- The constant need to be liked and to have material things in order to gain that.
- To meet other people in their material possessions and to stop my jealousy.
- To buy clothes and makeup to feel nice about myself on the outside when I don’t feel good on the inside.
This results in no savings for my future. Or for emergencies, or for a rainy day.
What do I need to do to defeat my money demons?
- Open a savings account that I do not have constant access to and cannot dip in to whenever I like.
- Treat myself less often, but still remember to allow myself to live and enjoy things.
- Remind myself that I am worthy and deserving to have and to save money, and that I deserve a future that this money can help me with
- Work on my sense of worthiness and deservability
- Spend time making my internal me feel good, and not feeling the need t spend so much money making the external me paint a different image.
- Perhaps get someone else to be in control of my finances for a while – this could help me to see how much money I waste from week to week on things I don’t need.
- Learn the power of no. Even internally within my head – do I need this? NO. Should I spend my money on this? NO
One positive? Despite it still being spent, in the last year or so I have focused on spending money on experiences rather than material things. I rarely buy new clothes, instead I spend my cash on holidays, memory making activities and weekends away. Whilst I am still spending money and not saving which is something I really need to focus on, I’m finally living my life! The girl who lived in a bubble and who had no new experiences, or any experiences at all really, has been exploring places, relaxing on beaches in Europe, and planning exciting trips to Thailand, Greece and Costa Rica.
Yes, I may not be a millionaire, I may not have money to spare in fact, but I am choosing now to spend my money on things that regain back my life that I lost in so many years of being too afraid to step outside my bedroom in fear of what life may throw at me. And if I can save along side that? Well then that’s a balance I cannot wait to have.