One of the biggest things that has happened in my life since my blogging absence, and one of the biggest things I have achieved in many years, is that I went on a city hopper trip to Italy with a friend.
At the beginning of November, I (yes me, that homebird, scaredy cat, at times agoraphobic, anxiety fuelled and change hating individual) hopped on a plane, and saw the beautiful, idyllic sites of 4 major italian cities all in a week!
My friend and I flew from London into Venice, then went on to Florence and Pisa, and ended our journey in Rome.
If you would have asked me a year, or even 6 months ago if I could have achieved this, I would have said no way? What would I have been scared of? Flying, change, being somewhere different, being away from family, the fear of a panic attack, the worry if I could cope, wanting to come home, fear of fear itself, doubting myself, public transport, eating problems…the list is endless. One year ago I simply wouldn’t have put myself in a scenario like this.
This year however, as I step into the life that I have always wanted, I wanted to challenge myself beyond anything I have ever done before.
Here are some snaps of my wonderful time.
Despite having a wonderful time, I found some old demons coming out to play. On a few occasions I found myself feeling very emotional, missing home and mostly, my dog. I reasoned with myself that this was allowed seeing as my dog is coming off her medication and I wanted to be close to her. I think its greatly important to recognise why you’re feeling sad,analyse it, let yourself feel it and then let it go. I allowed myself to feel sad as I knew it was for a justified reason. What really made me feel down in the dumps, was my anxieties around eating seemed to rear they’re ugly head every night. I didn’t eat much in the day, telling myself it was because we were too busy to eat, but actually, if I am really honest with myself, it was me trying to control the one thing I could in a environment that was all new to me. I know this oh too well. And I’ve certainly been there before. So all that beautiful Italian pasta, pizza and ice cream? I barely saw any of it. I practically starved myself for a week. And I’m really disappointed in myself. I wanted to just step outside the norm and really allow myself a good time. After all I’ve been through I wanted to just let go, and yet I still had an old demon lurking in the shadows. Now that I’m home I also seem to have binged a little, and that has upset me too. I’ve put on weight, and I’ve become more unhealthy. I seem to be making up for not eating in Italy that’s for sure. I was starkly reminded that I do still have a problem surrounding food, and one that I really do want to fix as soon as possible. I want to be able to enjoy food, and have a positive relationship with food.
On a positive note, why was I proud of myself?
- I didn’t have a panic attack
- I laughed lots
- I went on lots of public transport and didn’t have a freak out – to be precise, I went on at least 20 buses, 6 trains, 2 metros and 2 planes. As someone who spent my teenage years having panic attacks at the thought of public transport, I was so proud of myself for remaining calm and actually quite enjoying the experience
- I was able to let go and allow myself to enjoy something for once
- I’ve started to live life the way I want to, and to do the things that I want to do
- I surprised myself with how eager I was to see as much and do as much as I could
- I believed in myself
- I didn’t make myself sick with nerves
- I didn’t have a panic attack before flying
- I made lovely memories, learned a lot of historic information and truly soaked everything in, taking it all in my stride
- I felt great pride in myself, something I have yet to get used to. I was proud of myself for reaching out of my comfort zone and having the balls to do it!!
All in all, although my trip was only a short one, and only a holiday, it taught me a lot. It taught me I can actually do anything I put my mind to, and I can even enjoy it. I learned that not everything outside my comfort zone has to be laborious and strenuous, that actually, if I let myself go, I can learn, experience, laugh and really get a lot out of a situation. I learned that I have my own back, and on my own I can achieve whatever I want to. I learned that I can overcome my fears. Perhaps most of all, I learned that life is what happens when you’re busy making plans, and I really don’t want life to continue passing me by as I sit on my arse and panic about what could have, would have and should have been. I’m going to be a go-getter, not a fretter!! And I’d say, for just one short week, that was quite a few important lessons for little old me.