This week has fit into the bracket of the age old cliche: life is a roller coaster. And yes Ronan Keating, you have just got to ride it.
After a couple of weeks of feeling very unwell post endometriosis removal, I am now back into the swing of working…beginning with a 7 day stint including nights and a weekend. Enter the first dip in my roller coaster! My body firstly was not ready for being thrown in at the deep end of trainee veterinary nurse life, and secondly has been seriously struggling with the physical demands of the job. I should really have prevented myself from working a 55 hour week in my first week back, but hindsight is a wonderful thing, and we are where we are. My body has been physically exhausted, achy and sore, and my brain has been tired, emotional and at times extremely sad. For the first time in as long as I can remember I have been teary, almost everyday. I have felt weaker, physically and mentally, than I have in a long time. Due to this, I have felt low, as if I’m letting myself down and undoing the hard work I have done to keep myself positive during my healing process following my operation.
I have felt truly vulnerable this week. Like I’m a delicate little flower with a stem that could easily snap should the wind blow a little. And acknowledging that I feel vulnerable has made me feel even more vulnerable. And that’s not a great place to be in.
My body clock is a mess. I’m arriving home from work anywhere from 11.30pm to 1.30pm, and I’m wired. My brain is alive with the information I have gathered from work, the things I have seen and learned, and the excess adrenaline I have from racing around caring for ill animals who need my love. Therefore, I have come home, eaten rubbish food, watched crappy TV, and even spring cleaned the kitchen (how unlike me!). The lack of tiredness late at night means I’m a lazy sod in the morning, sleeping pretty much through until I have to get up for work again. I have not had a chance to have a life, see friends, walk my dog, spend any time with my partner or just live really. I know I sound like I’m whinging, it’s only been a week and I only have one day left, but you’ll be surprised (I definitely have been) how much my operation knocked my body, my energy, my emotions and my ability to work. It’s really hit me hard. On top of this, my diet has been absolutely catastrophic, and to be honest I’m quite disgusted in myself. I don’t know that my body has experienced one piece of fruit or veg this week. 4 chocolate bars a day (minimum), fizzy drinks, ready meals, fry ups…you name it, I’ve eaten it. Aren’t I just disgusting?! And it’s really hit me how much these sugary foods affect my body and my mood. Whilst I may feel energised for about half an hour, I soon dip again, feeling lethargic, lacking in energy, headachy, nauseous, hungry, and unfulfilled. Scientists, nutritionists and mothers everywhere have said it for years, but we never listen! This week, my body is shouting too loud for me not to listen. I feel awful for it. I’ve probably put on weight too despite the fact I’ve been racing around and lifting 50kg dogs. The sugar highs and sugar lows have affected my attitude, my mood, my emotions and my mindset. I’ve felt negative. And I’ve hated every minute of it. A real low on my roller coaster week.
This week I’ve started to doubt everything I know I truly want. I’m going to post about this seperatly because it’s been a big part of my week. I have begun to doubt my ability, my capability and my wants and needs in life. And this has made me feel unstable, whereas before I felt like I finally had some direction.
I’ve had anxiety. About nothing. About driving. About work. About college. That can bloody go away! I do not miss feeling anxious everyday one little bit!
I’m tired. Physically and mentally. I need rest, good food, some me time, lots of water, and my dog.
I’ve had rises in my roller coaster too…just not quite as many. I have officially started wearing my student vet nurse stripes, which is a massive step for me. I have attended my first nurses meeting…something I’m sure will be a novelty that will wear off but it feels nice to be part of the bigger picture. I have learnt new things, seen new things, and continued to gain knowledge prior to starting college next week. I’ve had a lovely rest with my dog this week, with her snuggled right up to me as we fell asleep.
For the first time in a long time, I’ve really felt every little bump in the road through my day to day life.
The message from this blog post? Never underestimate how truly linked everything in your life is. Tiredness can make you feel down. Feeling down can make you tired. Overdoing it can exhaust your body and your mind, and an exhausted body affects the mind, with an exhausted mind affecting the body. Feeling unwell can make you feel negative and irritable and affect your mood. Irritability can make you feel angry at yourself and others. Anger can make you doubt everything going on in your life, and want to put the brakes on, which can cause anxiety. Anxiety can make your brain work over time, which can make you tired. And just like that, whence come full circle.
Taking care of myself in all aspects of life, physically and mentally is so important. And spending time resting my body and mind is going to be my priority even during the hectic nature of my course that begins this Monday and the job role of a vet nurse. I won’t let it make me feel this low so easily ever again. I can get on top of my mood, my tiredness and my life, just as I have before.
And it’s time this roller coaster has another high!