For 5 days, I am uploading posts entitled “5 ways…”. These posts explain the ways in which I am moving forward in my life, and making changes towards a future in which I no longer suffer, or feel fear and sadness.
5 ways I remind myself that I am worthy and deserving
In all my life, I have never seen myself as worthy and deserving of pretty much anything. As a result, I have chosen paths in life that will only cause pain, in my social life, personal life, and in simple daily choices, as well as the things I tell myself in my own head. Believing I am worthy and deserving of anything and everything this life has to offer is one of the first steps to being able to fully heal and live a life of happiness and fulfilment. So why is it so hard to fathom that we deserve all the good in this world? I guess depression gives you a false picture of yourself, low self esteem, and a worthiness rating of -100. This doesn’t mean the belief has any truth behind it of course, but convincing yourself you are not worthless and undeserving when your opinion of yourself is lower than low, is something I have really had to work on.
- Saw a therapist – One of the main things I used to discuss with one of the therapists I have seen, one of the ones that have really understood me, is my lack of self esteem and consequently my worthiness and deservingness. When I first started therapy, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of feeling better, I hated myself, and didn’t see why I was worth all the effort and time that others were showing me. I was drowning in insecurities, and, alongside my anxiety and depression, they paralysed me entirely, keeping me from wearing certain clothes, going to certain events etc. Changing the belief that I wasn’t worth it was one of the hardest things to tackle for me, and I still tackle it today. My therapist told me to spend a lot of time meditating, writing down 50 things I like about myself (which seems quite a lot, but is something I still haven’t completed and something that I add to as and when I think of something else), to exercise and eat right, to spend some time looking in the mirror and telling myself that I was worth it and I loved myself (something that is easier said than done!) and to surround myself with people who only build me up. Further to this, I read around the subject a lot, and there are some great online free courses which I completed that made me change my way of thinking, and see that I am just as worthy and deserving as anyone else on the planet.
- Thought of myself as a baby – My therapist also used some powerful imagery that sticks with me and actually makes me feel very emotional every time I use it to remind myself of my worth. Imagine yourself as the new born baby you once were, just hours old. Imagine looking down at the baby. Imagine saying to that baby all the things that you think of yourself now. My comments included, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re not strong enough”, “you don’t deserve to be happy”, “you aren’t worth it”. Why are these statements true for a newborn baby? Why would you say these things to another soul? This imagery really resounds with me, as anyone with a heart would say that no, that baby does not deserve those comments and any negativity. The thing is, we all are still those babies…just a little bigger. So if we wouldn’t say it to our younger self, why do we deserve to hear it now? What have we done that is so awful that we don’t have the right to happiness, and to feel worthy and deserving, just like that little baby? The truth is, we have done nothing. We still are worthy of all that we were on the day we were born. It’s so important to remember that.
- Questioned the negative beliefs – Following the thought that we are as deserving as we were on the day we came into this world, I got to thinking about challenging all of the negative thoughts that those darn voices in my head insisted on screaming repeatedly at me. I wanted to question why…Why wasn’t I good enough? What had I done wrong? Why wasn’t I strong enough? What evidence was there for these beliefs? Why wasn’t I worthy? Why aren’t I deserving? The truth? I couldn’t answer any of these questions with an answer that had any credibility. Doesn’t therefore prove that I am all of the things I have believed I am not for such a long time?
- Ignored the thoughts – Just as I would ignore negative comments from bullies, and outsiders, I focussed upon ignoring and quietening the thoughts inside my head, and trying to forget them. Yes, it is hard to reverse and ignore the beliefs that you have taught yourself. It is so much more peaceful and serene when you ignore those voices, and when you remind yourself of the baby imagery, and question the beliefs, and spend some time writing 50 qualities you like about yourself, get out into nature and exercise, spend time with people that love you, and doing what you love. It’s another form of distraction, just like when I try and avoid my panic attacks. If I shut up the thoughts as they develop, and distract myself, then I don’t give the negativity the time of day to flourish.
- Reached for my dreams – When I was feeling particularly low, with no self-esteem or self-belief, hating myself, and believing I wasn’t worthy of any good in the world, I hardly lived. I experienced nothing but the mundane, day to day life that I confined myself to out of fear and anxiety of change. I woke up, went to school or college or work, ate, and went back to sleep. That was that. No excitement, no enjoyment and no memories. I will never get that time back, and that makes me sad. Since I started working on my self-esteem and my positive thoughts about myself, challenging my past beliefs, and realising that I am worthy and deserving, I have been able to see that in following my dreams, I will be living the life I want to, and the life I should! Believing in myself and my ability to live as I wish, and believing that I should be allowed all the good the world has to offer has allowed me to follow my dream career path of veterinary nursing, go on holiday, book a volunteering experience to Thailand, and perhaps most importantly to write this blog.
Believing in yourself when you have a mental illness is one of the hardest things, and it really does take some practice, and some time and dedication to making sure you see how wonderful you are. It’s not about being cocky, or arrogant, but having a confidence in you, and in your own skin, and the ability to recognise that you are just as deserving of all there is on this planet and beyond, as every other human, animal and alien. And in believing this, you will see that you are oh so worthy of getting better, and being happy, and laughing, and making memories, and love and warmth and light, and all of those other things that make you feel fuzzy inside.