On a good day

Depression, anxiety, and I guess all variations of mental illness leave you focussed on the negative, on what may happen, or what could happen. When in your negative state, we all focus on “what is bad about this”, and place too much energy in feeling sad about what we don’t have. And this is what is so frustrating, I think, about the whole mental illness process: you can have all the material things in the world, be the luckiest person, have the best friends and most supportive family, but if all you see is the bad, you’ll never appreciate all the good in your life.

Have you ever been asked, “What have you got to be sad about? You’ve got a perfect life”. I have! And isn’t it bloody frustrating! You just want to scream and throw yourself on the ground in a temper tantrum, pleading for the seemingly judgemental individual to hear just a few seconds of the internal fight going on in your head. They don’t see the struggle you face just waking up in the morning, the fight you have everyday just to stay alive, the constant voices in your head beating down your confidence, the worries, the anxieties, the daily tasks that are so difficult. They don’t see what your life is really like and what there is to be sad about! The thing is, these people aren’t out to get you, they only see what you present on the outside. Take me a few years ago as an example: bleach blonde hair, fake eyelashes, face full of makeup, lovely new mini to drive around in, expensive clothes and handbags, great friends, supportive family, smile on my face, my facebook was plastered in comments, photos and happy memories etc. All that was what it looked like to an outsider. Ostensibly, I was happy. Behind the scenes, I wanted to die.  I was fighting a silent, internal battle just to stay living, and the way I presented myself to the world as a smiling, pristine diva, was my protective shell – nobody would ask questions if I looked and behaved a certain way.

My point? I wished, hoped and prayed that one day I would feel the way I presented myself as being: happy. I longed to be able to walk out of the house and feel genuine contentment, instead of breathing deeply to avoid a panic attack, keeping my hands busy to prevent anybody seeing them shaking, and laughing to stop me crying. I just wanted to be better, to live a real life, instead of the fictional hell i was confined to. As I said though, I think because I was in my negative state of mind at this time, I never was going to get better. I didn’t know what a good day was like, because I’d never let myself allow it to happen. I didn’t know what happy was.

Now, as I continue to grow into what feels like a new skin, a new life and a new me, I am trying to focus on what a good day looks and feels like, until I don’t have to try anymore. In doing this, I hope that feeling, and focussing on my good, will allow the positivity to take over, and for my inside to reflect what I show on the outside, and vice versa. To do this, I have been thinking a little about what a good day is:

What is life like on a good day?

  • I wake up in the morning after a refreshing sleep and feel ready to start the day
  • I have no anxieties about what I may face
  • I feel confident and secure in my body and happy in my own skin
  • I choose to do what I want based on what feels good, not based on what doesn’t make me anxious
  • I smile and I laugh
  • I enjoy myself
  • I say positive, uplifting things, and have positive, uplifting thoughts
  • I feel good
  • I feel well in myself, and my body is not achy – I do not need any pain relief
  • Everything comes easily and naturally, and I don’t find myself pretending, or trying to be anything but exactly what and who I am.
  • I eat, what I want and when I want
  • I am grateful for all I see and do, and count my blessings
  • I spend quality time with people who lift me higher
  • I feel in control of myself and my body
  • I go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that without even trying I have been the best version of myself

What does a good day feel like?

  • exciting
  • fulfilled
  • fun
  • joyful
  • honest
  • free
  • liberating
  • easy
  • inspiring
  • addictive
  • natural

How do others see me on a good day?

  • Confident in my own skin
  • Free
  • At ease
  • Natural
  • Pretty
  • Funny
  • Fun to be around
  • Interesting
  • Intellectual
  • Positive

This is how I want everyday to be. I have spent so much time dreaming of days like this, in which I can let go, and be free of the shackles that my mental illness places me in. I no longer want to walk out my door wearing a fake smile, a painted face, and surrounding myself with material things in order to present the idea of a “perfect” life.  I don’t actually even want a perfect life, if such a thing even exists. I just want a life! Because for so long I didn’t live at all. I don’t want to hide behind a mask, or a wall, or anything in fact.

My aim, and my promise to myself is to drench myself so deeply in the idea of what a good day looks like, that I forget what a bad day looks like. And when someone says to me “What do you have to be sad about?”, I might agree with them, that actually I’m not sad, because I’m in a positive mind set, and I have no reason to feel anything but happy!!

What does a good day feel like?

How do others see me on a good day?

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2 thoughts on “On a good day

  1. I can relate entirely. To someone else it looks like I have it all together: I’m married, I have a Bachelor’s degree, have a nice place to live, a job that pays enough, food to eat, and I’m fairly intelligent. Yet there’s a nagging in my mind that’s telling me that all that isn’t enough, and I can’t shake that feeling. It’s a constant battle just to smile.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It is so hard, what people see is often so far from the truth. As long as we stay true to ourselves and focussed on making things better instead of focussing on how we present ourselves to the outside world, as I have previously done, we’ll be one step closer to having more positive days I’m sure! One day it’ll be the most natural thing in the world for us to smile 🙂 and I can’t wait for that!

      Liked by 1 person

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