Due to having my operation tomorrow, and with plans to leave my current job at the NHS in September to pursue my veterinary nursing career, I had planned to have 1-2 weeks off work to recover, and then work my notice period until my course began. Today however, my path has been changed by an unforeseen fork in the road.
I went into my current job today, and handed in my notice whilst discussing the fears for the operation in an informal chat. It was put to me that I could leave the job, today, fully paid, until my course begins. Sound too good to be true? It sounds good, but it is true – Probably due to the fact that I’ve been a pain in the proverbials as an employee since my arrival. I have kicked up a fuss, stood up for myself and others, had a lot of absences, argued with bullies in the workplace…gosh I sound like a treat!
6 weeks off is amazing. It’s rare. It’s lucky. But I feel odd. I don’t feel happy. So why do I feel down about having 6 weeks fully paid rest bite? I’ve had a think, and this is what I came up with…
- The anxiety about my impending operation tomorrow is all consuming. I can only feel that. I am a bundle of anxious energy, as can be expected when the thought of an anaesthetic in the morning is at the forefront of my conscious.
- Change. Us humans don’t like change do we?! Which is ironic seeing as everything changes every day really: the weather, the time, our skin, our age, our experiences, our knowledge, alongside the bigger things that change too. Change is one of the only things we can guarantee will happen in our lives. I think I’m feeling slightly unsettled at the thought of this not being the plan I had in my head. The plan has changed, and whilst yes this new plan is better, I’m a woman who likes a plan. I think the sudden nature of my change in direction has made me panic a little.
- I question if the path I have chosen is the right one. Should I be leaving a stable, well paid job to become a student? But then I nip that thought in the bud. I was born to be a vet nurse. And I will be.
- I feel a bit sad. Why? I bloody hated that job. It’s funny that when things are no longer in our lives we miss them, when all we did when we had them was whinge that we wanted them gone. Don’t get me wrong I did hate the place, I thought it was corrupt, miserable and badly led, however I made some good friends whom I know will be lifelong, learned a lot about myself, trained in a new area that I can always go back to in later life, gained experience and have been through things which shall only make me stronger. And I guess I’m sad that I’m leaving the good behind.
- I guess I also feel a little cheated out of a last day, a bunch of cards and presents and a proper send off. A quick goodbye in the middle of the day kind of says under valued. I guess for a 10 month stint, and for being a right royal pain in the arse, I can’t argue. And I get 6 weeks paid leave – which I must remind myself is better than a cheap box of chocolates and a card signed by people i won’t see again.
- Undeserving of the rest. All I’ve done is be a pain and be off sick, why do I deserve the break? But really, I do deserve a break. I need rest after my operation but also rest before 3 years of intensive learning to attain my goals. And that is vital to me. I never allow myself chance to just relax, I feel guilty as if there is something else I should be doing. I need to learn that doing nothing is something, and resting and relaxing is good for me, and I do deserve it. I work hard in 3 jobs and I deserve it!
It’s funny though. I’m experiencing feelings I didn’t realise I would have through leaving a job I never enjoyed.
Alas, this chapter has closed.
Hello summer of relaxation, re cooperation, fun, exploring and being happy. That starts right now, lying in the garden whilst my favourite dog in the world places her ball at my feet waiting for me to play with her. Bliss.