Firstly, I would like to stress that in no way are my holiday update posts to brag about being away in the sun, but differently, to share with you my experience of a holiday at this stage in my life. What do I mean when I say “at this stage in my life”? I mean, better but not fixed. Wiser but not full of all wisdom. And growing but not fully grown.
My holiday anxiety began this morning as soon as I opened my eyes…I felt sick, dizzy, sweaty and had an overwhelming feeling of dread. Waves of sickness were coming over me in unbearable hits, and it was all I could do to keep myself from being sick. I spent most of my morning on the toilet, and just trying to calm myself down. I will admit that as much as I really did not want to, I did give in to the sickness. I wanted to go at least one anxiety trip, now that I am older and wiser, without the need to be sick with nerves. The thing is, there is nothing in my body to come up anyway, it is just pure fear. However, I did give in. My body was attempting to force the anxiety out of me, despite it still remaining very much in there.
After saying goodbye to my cats, boyfriend and most traumatically my dog, I drove to the airport which took 3 and a half hours. This drive, that I was dreading, truly calmed me down. When I arrived at the airport, I did not freak out. When I went airport shopping, I did not freak out. When I boarded the plane, I did not freak out, when I arrived at the villa, I did not freak out.
I was so proud of myself to achieving something that I was so scared of, overcoming my anxiety and beating my panic attack. I have been truly blessed to be where I am now, and have my own back no matter what.
I went to sleep happy’
Today has been a pool day. Now I’m a typical English rose, and 30+ degree heat and I are not the best of friends. Despite this, I have spent my day in and out of the pool, and have felt truly relaxed.
I feel calm, and serene and lucky to be in another country, without my parents to “protect” me.
If I can do it, anyone can! The trick to my success seems to be keeping busy, keeping focused on the now, and being positive as much as I possibly can. I feel free to enjoy, for once in my life!
My downfalls so far seem to be based around the fear of fear itself, the worry that a panic attack may come, the fear of the unknown. But as I said, I’m fixed but not totally healed, and I can’t expect to win every battle first time.
What am I particularly proud of?
- Overcoming the fear of fear itself and the panic of what may happen
- Facing my fear by coming on holiday at all
- Getting on a plane
- Being at an airport
- Embracing stepping outside my comfort zone
- Enjoying myself and living in the moment