So tomorrow, for the first time in 5 years, I am going on holiday. And I have anxiety.
The back story – I had booked to go to Paris with the “friends” from work, before the situation got out of hand and they showed their true colours as 2 of the nastiest people I’ve been unfortunate enough to meet. I decided to lose over £300 from this booking and miss out on going to Paris. This is a decision I stand by, as who wants to be in a foreign country with people who are unsupportive, unappreciative and entirely negative?! Certainly not me. Despite losing this money, my friend and I, who also lost money choosing to avoid Paris, decided that we deserve a break, and so we booked a short holiday in the sun on the same dates. Who needs Paris anyway right?!
So the time has come, and tomorrow is flight time. I knew I’d feel anxious, and I knew my growth over the last 5 years would be tested, seeing as leaving the country is something I so rarely do.
What am I even anxious about? I’m not even sure. The change, the new, the uncontrollable? The unknown? The distance from home? The missing of my dog? Perhaps all of those are playing a part, however my brain feels like an entire mashup of irrationalities. There is just no sense to my fear. Yes, it is different and out of my comfort zone, but why am I so quick to forget all the other things I have done that are outside this same comfort zone? Why can I so easily put to one side the successes and triumphs over my fears and anxieties that I have had? My anxiety has never had any grounds to make me feel so afraid before, so why should I trust it now?
The most frustrating thing is, I also feel excitement. I am excited to be somewhere new, and see different things, and relax. I know I deserve it. I am excited to have a cocktail in the sun and go on a glass bottom boat and have a dip in the pool.
Why can’t I focus on my excitement? Why does anxiety have to win?
I don’t want it to win, and I’m going to battle it all the way. I am going to fight this fear until it is so small it just pales into oblivion. I am going to use my positivity and excitement to overrule the anxiety, and to jump all over it and scream bloody murder until it recognises there is no space for it here. There is no space for that in my head, or in my heart.
Most of all, I’m going to enjoy myself, because I can, because I want to and because I deserve it. I’m going to enjoy myself because I don’t want to life a confined life that only feels safe within a small, invisibly gated enclosure. I need to experience life, and the world. My intelligent brain is crying out to see culture, help other people and animals, and to test myself. My small world needs to expand. No more excuses. And it starts right heRe, on a short, all inclusive break in the sun.
I can, and I will overcome this anxiety. I cannot let it beat me any longer.
To calm me down today, and to reaffirm my strengths, I am spending the day snuggled with my favourite soul, who believes every minute of every day that I am a hero. Because to her, I am.