Goodbye June. I’m not sad to see you go. (If you can’t tell I have been working on this post for a good few days now…my writers block returned!!)
June 2015 has tested me in more ways than I care to admit. It has tested my loyalty, my friendships, my anxiety, my positivity, and everything down to the core of who I am.
- I have had to make important decisions with regards to my future and my career. I have struggled for years and years deciding which direction I would like to take in life, and what I need from my professional life. The general criteria tends to include wages, cost of living, and job satisfaction. I have explored becoming a solicitor, a teacher, a zoologist…pretty much everything with the exception of an astronaut, or a spider handler. It is surprising however, how much I ignored what was right in front of my face. My passion is animals, my dream is to become a Veterinary Nurse. And that is what I am now training to do from September. It may not be the best paid job in the world, but gosh have I learnt in my time that happiness is far, far more important than money. So my goal is set, my dream is aligned, and I can’t wait to achieve it!
- Taking on extra hours of voluntary work at my Veterinary placement – exhausting on top of 40 hours at my normal day job.
- In my current job within the NHS, I have been dealing with ongoing stresses. If you have read my last post I question humanity, you will understand that I have been battling work place bullies. This is not a scenario I saw myself in ay 22 years of age, and has tested my resolve and my strength to the utmost capacity. The accusations that I myself am a bully have tested my patience and my anger, as well as my ability to hold my tongue and not react. What I have learnt in this process, is that I know myself, I know I am a good person, and I know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt or offend another person. The saying “Be kind, you never know what battles others are facing” is one I live by. My strength, and my belief system have been tested, along with my anxiety; I have been anxious to attend work, and to find out what each new day brings in terms of bitching and bullying. I have been dealing with the fear of fear itself, hoping that I would not suffer a panic attack as I previously have in these confrontations scenarios.
- During these stresses, decisions and dramas, my eating challenges have been very apparent. I have never been able to eat when I am stressed, and always lose weight when anxiety hits. I have been battling to change this routine and have made progress, although 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still the case at the moment.
- I have been learning every day that negativity is not what I need in my life, and trying so hard to avoid it where possible – which takes energy and self awareness.
- June has seen possibly the worst bout of my endometriosis so far. I have been in crippling pain, and have struggled with my mood as a result. I have often been so affected by my strong pain killers that I have had hallucinations and have barely even known if I was awake or asleep. I have made the decision to have my operation to remove this problem, but with that decision comes my anxiety of having yet another anaesthetic, which my body does not cope well with. The fear is that I am totally surrendering control of my body to somebody else. It took a long time to decide that this was the right thing for me, and that ultimately, the goal is to live a pain free, happy life, and this is another step towards achieving that.
- As anyone who deals with depression knows, although I have come so far, I have still been battling with demons. I have been battling with low moods, trying to believe in myself and that I am a good person, trying to deal with my utmost problems, trying to control my eating etc. This is exhausting, and has really taken its toll.
June has drained me.
Despite this, I have coped better than I ever dreamed possible. I have taught myself that I am stronger than ever before, and I have much more patience and much more understanding of my own limits. I am growing, changing and evolving as I have always wanted to. I know myself, and I know I am honest and a good person. And with that knowledge, I can sleep well at night! That is what is important.
So, goodbye June and all your trying events…July, I’m ready and stronger than ever for all you have to bring.