I’ve kind of been going through another dry spell on the blogging front. I’ve noticed that this usually happens when my mind is spinning, and there is particular stresses in my life which I find hard to vocalise, or in this case articulate in a way that my followers won’t feel is entire lunacy.
Frankly though, that is what my life has been over the past two weeks: lunacy. Utterly and entirely indescribably madness. In fact, I have felt, most days, that my life has been playing out like a TV programme. And at that, one I didn’t sign up for!
If you read my posts I question humanity and Things sent to try us, you will know that I have been struggling with bullies in the workplace – bullies that were supposed to be my friends. This week, the situation in my workplace with those individuals has worsened. I have had constant confrontation, am able to hear the two individuals discussing me from across the room, and have had constant taunts, leading me to feel extremely uncomfortable, as you can well imagine. Not only this, but I have also been accused of being a bully – an accusation I will not even give the time of day to. These girls comment constantly on appearances, hair styles…pretty much anything they can criticise. For a woman, and one who has suffered with anxiety and self esteem issues for a number of years, it is extremely difficult to walk into a room in which you know your every move will be scrutinised. If you wear your hair differently, they won’t like it. If you don’t smile on cue, they’ll wonder why. If you wear something different, they’ll comment. It’s uncomfortable, and you become increasingly aware of your insecurities.
So all in all, it’s been another week of top-notch bitching!
The reason I expressed the lunacy of the past few weeks, is my shock and surprise that at 22 years of age, I am hearing such childish comments from adults. I have been appalled at the behaviours I have seen, and that have been permitted by my management. I have been disgusted that this bullying is going on in a professional workplace, when quite frankly it belongs in the playground. I have almost felt like a bystander in my own life, wondering if it is all true, or if I am in some strange nightmare in which adolescence has taken over adulthood.
Despite all this, I have been so proud of my ability to deal with the events that have unfolded in front of my eyes. I have not been involved, have continued to get on with my work and conducted myself with grace and professionalism, remaining quiet and not rising to their goading and probing for a reaction. I have allowed these childish individuals to play out their games, without involving myself in them at all (no doubt to their great annoyance). My old, usual self would have been completely threatened and intimidated by these bullies. My new self? Couldn’t give a damn! I know myself, and through this I can see bullies and people who choose to bring others down for their own pleasure, through pure immaturity and ignorance, are not worth my time. I have made myself beam with pride at how strong I have been, and how powerful my silence has truly been. I have been able to decipher the right and wrong decisions for me, and to choose that although it would have been easier (and less dramatic!!) to stay onside with these nasty individuals, I know that it is not true to who I am, and I need to remain inline with that. Furthermore, I have been eating and sleeping, a combination that I never seem to grasp during a time of stress – I have also been eating at work, right in the line of fire! This is my success, and they will not change the progress that I have made. Why should I let negative, immature and evil people change my progress that I have fought so so hard to achieve?! I will not. I have not had any panic attacks, despite fearing them. I have not allowed myself to let it in. Whilst I have got upset by the events, I have not let these people ruin my peace and I remain extremely proud and happy with the way I have conducted myself – little people have no effect on me.
The thing I am most proud of? My decision to walk away from this negativity, both on a small and larger scale. On a small scale I have chosen to ignore and walk away from constant taunting and jibing and goading from these people who wish for me to react. I have not given them my energy, or let their negativity seep into my life. On a larger scale, I have made a conscious decision to walk away from the negative environment and sign myself off work. In doing this, I have chosen me and my health and happiness over money, and my job. Nothing, and nobody, shall ever effect my inner happiness and my progress again. Nobody will ever make me take a step back in my progress. I remember the last occasion that I truly wanted to end my life, coming on for a year ago now. I was in a sad state of affairs, and I truly couldn’t see a way out. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and I just wanted to give up, to stop waking up in the morning and facing another day. This was a place that was so, so hard to get myself out of. When I did, I wrote a list of things that I would no longer do in order to keep myself from getting that low again. I share with you now one of those things on my list:
I will not allow negativity from others to come into my life and affect the progress that I have made. I will walk away from negative situations and negative people and remember that this is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. No more will outside influence return me to the lower than low state of mind that I have been in before. I no longer allow them to take power over my mind. Goodbye to negativity.
How relevant that point on my list is to me today. I remain strong in this resolve, and know that rejecting negativity leads me to be able to protect the progress I have fought intensely hard to make, over the last decade and beyond.
My advice to those who are dealing with bullies, just like I am? Try, as hard as it may be, to reject their negativity. These people will mean nothing to you in a month, a year, a decade. Some people are nasty to their core, and breed negativity. Remember how far you have come, and remember how good it feels to know happiness and to know progress. Don’t let insignificant people change that. Walk away always. Walk away from negativity. This is now my mantra! I just don’t have time or space for the negativity of others to reflect into my life. just remember…bullies only bully because there is something missing in their lives. Whether they are jealous, sad, angry… They need something you have. Don’t let them take it.
Phew! I feel better for writing this post. And I hope you feel better for reading it. I would love to hear your stories of triumphs over negative people, and over bullies.
I move on now, and say goodbye to the last week of pure, pure lunacy. I welcome peace, quiet, happiness and positivity, surrounded by those who make me smile, and care truly for my happiness.