In amongst still feeling a little of the old writers block that I so hate, I today realised that I should share some great news with you, and I should write it down for myself to comprehend the extent to which I have grown in the past few weeks.
If you read my previous post, Eating out, you will know that I suffer greatly with disordered eating. When I was younger I suffered with binge eating, and bulimia. These days, it’s more my attitude towards food and fear of eating when I feel vulnerable, or around other people. This is particularly the case when eating out in a restaurant, and when eating in front of people I’m not totally comfortable around.
Although I have had a few eating successes of late, such as managing to eat a sandwich at work, I still do struggle to challenge my fears of eating in public. However, this weekend, my partner’s family have been down in Cornwall on holiday. I have met them before, however have never really felt too comfortable as I didn’t know them well, and have avoided eating around them the few times that I have seen them. This time however, I have challenged myself. I set myself a test: to just be happy and allow myself to be myself. Of course, this includes eating! The irony of this whole situation being that I do actually love food!
Anyone who has an eating disorder or struggles with anxiety around food will understand how difficult it is just to give up your fears and relax. It is not easy, you have to want it.
And I wanted it! I have managed to eat lunch and dinner with them 3 days running, on days out, at their holiday home, and having invited them into my home.
I am so proud of myself. I have conquered some demons both in the sense of allowing myself to just relax in general, and relax around food. I have enjoyed myself, and have enjoyed my food! As I should. I felt content, calm, relaxed, proud, happy. Those feelings are my motivation to continue the way I am. It is so important to grow and keep changing the things I don’t want to be, and don’t want to do.
What I am most proud of is that this is a step in my journey of self discovery. It is a step towards proving to myself that I have my own back, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I can support myself. It is a step towards self love, self confidence and self acceptance. It is a step towards change and progress. It is a step towards health and happiness. And it is my internal success. Nobody else need know. It’s my own celebration of myself and my own growth, and my own pride in myself. And that feels damn good.
I will definitely be challenging my fears surrounding food more often, because I know I can do it now, and I know how proud of myself I am when I succeed, and how impressed I am at myself for just trying!
Eating disorder – 0, Me – 1