I wasn’t going to share this. But then I remembered that my blog is about off loading my shit, as well as sharing my shit in order to help others through their shit. And that includes all aspects of life.
When it comes to talking about the problems in my relationships, I just don’t. I feel that to talk about the problems is to truly acknowledge that they are there. I can’t continue to ignore it.
The thing is, my relationships only problem, is my depression, and his dealing with it. We are both at fault, for we are both learning. But yes, my mental illness has been affecting my relationship since its birth. This morning, after an argument that escalated over absolutely nothing, that was preluded by giggles and cuddling, it was nearly all over. I knew then, that I had to open my heart and be honest.
So I wrote. And this is what I wrote:
I am so sorry for the way I speak to you at times.
I am sorry for the way I snap and lose my temper.
I am sorry for the times that I make you feel guilty for going out or doing something you want to do.
I am sorry for acting crazily!
I’m sorry for making you feel like things are your fault, when they’re not.
I’m sorry for expecting you to read my mind.
I am sorry for hurting you.
I’m sorry for the things you miss out on in favour of looking after me.
I’m sorry for not being by your side all of the time.
I am sorry that we argue, and I’m sorry that is escalates so quickly.
I hope you know that I never ever want to hurt you. I want to make you happy, and I want you to make me happy. And I know we can do that.
I speak to you sometimes in a way that isn’t acceptable, because I’ve been spoken to in that way, or put down and I won’t stand for it in my life. This doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to speak to you in that way, especially as I don’t like it myself. You don’t deserve to be spoken to like a child, and I never want to do that. I am going to focus on finding better ways to communicate my frustrations rather than losing my temper and patronising you. That is not the person I want to be, and not really the person I am.
I snap and lose my temper because I have a lot of repressed anger and frustration at my life, what I can’t do, what I hold myself back from, and what I’m not that I want to be. I don’t just take out my anger on you, it’s often on my family too. I need to address this and I really am trying. I need to get a punch bag or write it all down or scream or something. I need to learn a healthy way to let out my angers without just snapping at the first person that says anything remotely wrong, or not even wrong, just something that I don’t like.
I never mean to make you feel guilty for going out and doing things you love. I actually love that you exercise and take care of yourself, I love that you have a hobby and I support that all of this keeps you in good shape and allows you to socialise. I don’t communicate this though. I should tell you more how proud I am of you that even though you get anxious, you do all these things because you want to, and you won’t let your anxiety hold you back. I guess in a way, I’m jealous. I can’t seem to do that, and to just get on and do the things I love. But I never want you to give up what you love. It’s so important that you have a passion. My wanting you home is me being needy, and that’s not ok. It’s my selfishness at wanting you home and wanting you to be with me, whether for the right reasons, or for the wrong ones- I.e I’m lonely and sad and need someone to sit and wallow with me.
I shouldn’t make you feel like things are your fault. Because more often than not, it’s that I’ve taken something the wrong way, or that I’ve misinterpreted something, created something in my head, or just I’m acting crazy! I shouldn’t act this way. I shouldn’t punish you for nothing. Again, it’s not what I want to be and its not really who I am. I guess I have this sense from my dad that nobody shits on me, but that’s not ok. I’m not superior, and in order to stop people shitting on me, it seems I have been shitting on them. And I don’t want to shit on you. Ever.
I should never expect you to be able to read my mind. Half the time I can’t bloody read it and I’m in it! When I tell you I want space, sometimes that’s true, and sometimes I’m expecting you to come running to my rescue. But how are you to know?! Sometimes I say let’s leave it, when what I actually want to do is psychoanalyse every last bit of it. But how are you to know?! When I push you away, I expect you to resist, even though my words don’t reflect that. But how are you to know?! I don’t know how I expect you to understand, as I definitely don’t. Sometimes, as I said to you, the bubble around me filters what’s in my heart, and then what comes out of my mouth is a mass of venomous word vomit that only causes pain, for me and you. It’s not what I want. It feels like sometimes I’m not in control of my words. Things come out and I say them but in my head I’m thinking, oh I don’t mean that. But again, you can’t know this. I need to learn to communicate what I actually want, so that you know. And I need to stop expecting you to turn into mystic meg and to hear my every thought.
I shouldn’t let arguments escalate so quickly, and I wish I could hold my tongue more. I am going to bloody try! Not hold my tongue so that things get brushed under the carpet, but stop myself from snapping so that I can rationalise that thought in my head for a little longer, and then communicate it in a better way. I don’t want to argue, we’re ugly when we cry, and we shouldn’t be ugly! And I don’t want an ugly heart either!
When I say I feel empty or I feel nothing. I find it hard to explain. I found a quote that explains it a little:
Nothing is so scary. It’s so empty and it feels like I have nothing to live for. I don’t ever want to scare you, but I do feel this way sometimes. I feel like a shell with nothing inside. No happiness, only pain. Which yes, is a feeling, but an empty one in itself. When at its worst, this depression strips me of everything that I am, and everything that I have. It takes my identity, and turns me into a person I neither recognise or like. It makes me feel like getting up in the morning is the worst thing in the world, being around people is worse than that, and the prospect of the future is even worse still. I will get over this, I don’t need to feel this way, and I don’t deserve to feel this way. Neither do you deserve to watch me killing myself (figuratively speaking) by giving in to this illness. I wish I could fight it as hard as I fight you at times, I might bloody win that one!
I do have a lot of insecurities and even though I do know that you love me, sometimes I do need you to tell me more often. Not just the words, but why you love me. And I should do the same for you too. I know you love me, but to know that you love me because I did something, made you feel a certain way, made you smile, made you proud, or just because of a trait I have is to really make me feel secure and that I have something valuable to give you. When you first met me you said you felt inferior, whether that was the exact word you used or not but something to that effect, because you had nothing to offer me materially. That is a) untrue and b) nothing to offer materially is nothing compared to nothing to offer mentally. And I have felt that way. I have felt that I am not valuable to you, and that you could do without me. And it’s time we both stopped feeling this way. I need to tell you more the reasons that I love you, and not just silly little reasons, but deep reasons. Like the way you held me when I cried my eyes out so much that I felt my head was going to explode. Or how much of a good friend you are. Or how loyal you are. Because these are all true, and all things I think. But when did it become acceptable to only share the bad things? There enough shit in this world, and I think it’s time I placed my focus on telling you what I love about you, what I like about you, what you do right and what we do right together. Because there are lots of things.
I found an article online that I thought was quite relevant: 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal . In fact, this man’s blog is just wonderful. I read this and a lot of it rang true to me and its habits I want to break out of. Have a read of some of his posts and see what you think.
What I want you to know though is I am going to change. I’m on track arranging counselling and more therapy. My eating is better. I’m taking my tablets. I’m going to really try and get this on track. Low moods are always going to be a part of who I am I think, but that doesn’t mean that all this crap has to come along with it. It’s not fair for you, and it’s not fair for me. All of this hurts me more than you know. Not only hurts me because of my thoughts, but hurts me because of the way it makes me treat you, and my family and friends.
I am scared though. At this moment I am so scared. Of everything. I’m scared that I won’t be able to fix myself. I’m scared that nobody out there can help. I’m scared I’m never going to have a normal life. Im scared I’m always going to be in pain. Im scared of this operation. Im scared that if I get over this depression, it’ll only come back. Im scared of the power of my mind. I’m scared of missing out on the best things in life because of depression and anxiety. I’m scared of missing out on all the things I want to achieve, and to die with regret after regret and no memories. I’m petrified that I won’t be able to have babies, as that’s all I want. And I don’t just want them for me, I want to watch you be a Dad too.
All these fears are consuming me. All day everyday. So with all these thoughts going round in my head, I do snap sometimes because I’m losing it. I’m losing control and I can’t keep up the juggling act of all these worries.
I wake up everyday and there’s a black cloud above my head. It’s impossible to shake, and even on a good day, it’s still a pale grey colour. I want it gone, and I want it to stop me from ruining the good things in my life.
I know why I ruin things though. It’s because I don’t feel deserving. It’s because I hate myself. I don’t feel worthy of having you love me, and this is why I can never understand why you’re with me. Deep down, I know I’ve got so much to give, and that I’m kind and thoughtful and respectful and will take care of you forever, but it’s hard to remember those things when I’m crippled with insecurity and self doubt. I am working on these things though, and I get a lot of help through the reading I do on that, and my blog too. I’m trying so hard to see myself as worthy and to see that I do deserve you. But that’s why I feel like I need punishing. I persecute myself. I feel like a bad person for the things I’ve done, the things I’ve said and the people I’ve hurt along the way. I’ve been destructive. And it’s time to stop.
I would also like you to try too. If we try together then we can do this. I want you to try to talk to me more about the way you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and what you need from me. If you need me to tell you what’s going on in my mind, or what I think of you, or my opinion on something, ask me. I want you to try and forget this idea that you have that my stress is more important than yours. If you’re stressed at the same time as I am, please tell me. I’m here to help and its not going to make me any worse or add any weight to my load. In fact, to try and help solve your problems, or to give you advice or even just be there for you may well help me to see that there are solutions to everything, even when I’m feeling beyond help. Never think you can’t talk to me, I want to be there for you like you are for me but I can’t if you don’t tell me. If you’re panicking, don’t shut me out. I need you to talk to me, but it needs to go deeper than that. If you’re scared, tell me. I should be the one you come to express anything, again no matter how I’m feeling at the time. And please, I know it’s hard, but when you can, if I bite, please try not to bite back. I have grown up in a world where I had to protect myself, and it’s something that hasn’t gone away. My mum always told me I should be a lawyer because I should get paid to argue. But I chose against that in my life for a reason. I don’t want it. I don’t want to choose the life I grew up in. I want to be more relaxed and easy going, and no of course I don’t want anyone to walk all over me, but I also don’t need to run around and scream bloody murder anytime someone so much as breathes! I need to remember why I didn’t choose that life. And stick to that. Please be gentle with me, I am fragile. And I did come from an abusive home. I know you’re not like that, or I wouldn’t be with you. But please understand that I will blow the littlest of things out of proportion when it comes to this as the house I lived in for so long was so awful. And it scares me more than anything. It scares me the power that you could have over me if you chose it. And that’s why I have a problem with men, because I do feel that one wrong move from me and an instinct could kick in. I’m trying to get over that too, and I’m getting much better. That shows in the fact that we’re in an actual relationship, whereas before this I couldn’t be in a relationship, it was all too scary for me. If you’re feeling insecure, ask me what I love about you. If you need me, you know I’m always there and will do what I can to make you happy!
The thing is, I’m still learning. And that’s why I make mistakes. As do you. But as long as we learn from them then they’ve surely got to be good. I’m not going to get it right all the time, and maybe for now only half the time, but I’m trying, I’m taking this constructive criticism and I want to change it. I want to make this better. But not just for you, for me too. I need to be happy in myself to be happier for us and that’s what I’m working on.
I want to do things with you, to be by your side, to make you proud. I want us to to laugh, go on holiday, go on long walks and have more and more memories and photos and things to tell our children. I want us to make plans – holidays, future plans etc. I might not get there anytime fast, but it’s on my to do list, and I’ll get there. I want to be with you on your journey in life, as I haven’t been really. It’s all been focused on me and that’s just not fair. There is two of us in this relationship, and my needs are not more important than yours. Neither should I make you feel like they are.
I know how much you do for me, support me and sacrifice for me, and it means the world and more. I can’t explain how grateful I am.
We may not be two of the most together, mentally sound, secure individuals, but together we should be stronger. And that’s what I want to continue to work towards.
Love you always xxxxxxx
To share this letter is to share with you a piece of my heart. But I need this, I need to accept that I’m ignoring little problems which are manifesting and building and therefore turning in to big problems. I won’t let this illness take any more away from me.
If you are in a relationship and struggling through your depression, it has really relieved me to write down my feelings, as it is easier to explain, and also easier to see how much this illness affects my life, my relationships and changes my behaviours.
I will let go, and I will be happy. I want this more than anything.