Im truly understanding the meaning of bad things happen at once, or bad things come in threes (or my case multiples of three), from where I stand in my life at the moment.
I’m unwell and my body seems to be rejecting my efforts to make it better, I have no money, I’m battling with inner demons and trying to make decisions that seem impossible, I am waiting on news on whether I need a fairly large operation, my car is broken and needs selling and I’m having trouble at work with trying to ensure my attendance during this stupid illness.
To be honest. I’m overwhelmed.
Whilst I am so proud of myself for not letting all of this drag me into a pitch black pit of depressive oblivion, I am still struggling to remain positive about all of these things that have come at once in my life.
Today, my sister and I were talking about my car, trying to deal with one issue at a time. I have decided to cu my losses, and sell my dream car. My beautiful cream Mini was always my dream, and ever since a young age I have said to anyone who will listen that I WILL have one! And I did. But this one has just never been right. If it’s not one thing going, it’s another. I’m constantly forking out for garage bills that I just can’t afford. Seeing as I am starting a 3 year university course in September, I have quickly realised that I need to ensure that I have a car that is reliable, cheap to run and cheap to fix. Therefore, it is time I cut my losses, and gave up my dream car. I know it’s only a car, but I love that bloody heap of metal. To me, it’s more than a car, it’s a sign that I can get what I want when I work hard, it’s a reflection of me seizing what I want in life, it’s the first car I’ve felt truly safe in and haven’t had a panic attack in. It makes me feel lucky. It has taught me to value money.Moreover, it gives me pleasure. And in a mindset that struggles to find the good in anything, I should be allowed something that gives me pleasure. So obviously, giving it up will be emotional. Perhaps I’m too attached to a material object. But this is all besides the point.
What is the point you ask? Being positive. My sister outlined to me the importance of remaining positive about a situation that I really feel sad about. She reminded me that it is short term fix, as I will only be on my course for 3 years, at the end of which I can buy myself a brand spanking new mini if I want to! It is the right thing to do. It is looking after myself and my money in the long run, and it is putting myself in the best possible situation to buy a new car right now, rather than when I am a poor student. She reminded me to stay positive, and to stay focussed on the reasoning. And I agree. I must look at the situation for what it is.
This advice being taken on board, I have assessed where I need to be positive in other areas of my life right now.
- My illness : I am petrified of having an operation. Not scared, first class petrified. I had an operation on my hip and it was bloody awful. Every move I made for weeks was agony. I felt like I had no control over my body. However I must look at this in the most positive light – I need this operation in order to make me better. A few weeks of pain and then it being over is nothing compared to the pain I have been enduring for the past few months, everyday.
- Money: oh money, money money, where for art thou money? I’ll tell you where…I spent it! So it’s now in the hands of someone else. I sure do have a problem with money – I just can’t keep it. To look at this positively? Each month I have a new opportunity to stop spending on material things, and things I don’t need, and start putting some money into a savings account for my future. It doesn’t even have to be the distant future, it could be the near future. But I can do it, I just need to start.
- This job shit: I need to pick my battles, and this is the wrong one. I’m putting precious energy that could be used to be making me better into worrying about a job that I’m only going to be in for the next few months. Yes, I need to ensure I stand up for the things I believe in, but no, I do not need to fight to the death, or waste my energy and resources when I really just need to get better. I can positively ensure that I put all my energy into myself and making myself better, whilst ensuring that my workplace isn’t a stressful one, and I don’t feel anxious.
Turning around my thought process on these few little things, and addressing them one at a time, is going to keep me going through this particularly shit time. I feel like I need to hire a profession positive pincher: someone who pinches me every time I lack positivity, or let it slip. I won’t let the details of my life drag me back to a depressive state. I must keep trying.
These things are sent to test us right? I must pass!