I feel nothing.
Nothing. I feel nothing. Nothing for life, nothing for anyone else. I have no feelings, or no connection to others or to the world.
The reason things in my life haven’t felt truly and authentically good? I haven’t been truly and deeply involved in them. I have been moving along in life, detached from what is going on, detached from feelings and relationships, and from people. I have felt disconnected from everyone around me. And from life.
This has made me deeply sad.
Why should I not feel happy? And really feel it.
Why should I not have deep and meaningful connections? And really feel it.
Why should I not feel love, give it and receive it and really believe in it? And really feel it.
Why should I not feel in tune with all of life around me? And really feel it.
It’s an empty feeling to be disconnected from others, to be numb, and to lack enthusiasm. It’s not that I am not capable of feeling, I know I am. I can feel happy, sad, emotional, tearful, excited, hungry, thrilled, loved, warm, cold. I can feel what my body wants, and I can laugh and cry. So why at the moment am I totally feeling nothing?
It is impacting my relationships in the way that I don’t feel love all of the time. The only thing I truly feel love for is my dog, and my family and friends can see it. They see that they are not occupying my full attention, and they see that I am struggling.
I feel empty. Hollow. Incapable of loving.
The only true love and feeling I have is for my dog. It is irrevocable. I love her dearly, and I truly feel that.
How can I make myself feel?
I know it is my depression. And I know my tablets probably don’t help.
But I don’t want to be devoid of emotion. I don’t want to feel nothing.
I want to feel everything. I want to drench myself in everything that life has to offer, and to know how I feel about it. And not because it’s how I should feel, but it’s because how I do feel.
I’ll work on it. But for now, I’m still nothing