I sincerely wish it did some days. It would be great if I could hand over some cash and have an hour or two of happy, or some time without these constant voices in my head telling me that things in my life are wrong.
The problem is, Im having a low period in my life at the minute. I have a lot of choices to make, and Im feeling like the world is on my shoulders. Unfortunately, Im only strong enough to hold it for so long.
Ive been having panic attacks, down days everyday, negative thoughts and tears and just haven’t seemed to be able to find a way to snap out of it. I have instead, been drowning my sorrows in the shops…clothes, alcohol, food, furnishings for my home, days out etc. I have been dipping in, no, wading in, to my savings and have depleted them greatly, I have continued to spend even though it has now left me in a very bad financial situation, only a week after pay day! I still have rent to pay, and petrol to pay for, and no money to do so. And it’s my own fault.
Why do we do this?
It has become my routine to spend money just as I get it. I don’t feel worthy or deserving to have money. I buy things I don’t need to find happiness I simply can’t find at the bottom of a purse.
I spend because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel real, and it makes me feel in control. Ironic really because these are the actions of someone who is really not in control! I am not in control of my spending! My spending is in control of me. I also spend because I can accumulate “stuff”, and I think that these material items will cheer me up, or make me happier, or improve my mood. I have too much stuff, too many ornaments, pictures, cushions, bits of makeup, clothes….Whilst these pretty, expensive things do make me smile for a fleeting second, I am then still stuck in my negative headspace, only surrounded by more things. Ultimately, no amount of material things can improve my mood, only mask it for a short time, and that’s not enough for me.
Spending money like I have been is not helping me, it is hindering me. On top of my negative mood, depressive episodes and constant anxiety, I have added to my stressors by creating a scenario in which I have no money, and therefore creating a further problem. It seems never ending. But I need to recognise that I did this. I had the cash, I spent it unwisely and foolishly to get a quick thrill, that did not last more than 5 minutes, and that did not change the way I feel about life, or myself at the moment. Yes, I may be surrounded by things, and albeit they are nice things, but things can’t make me happy, and neither can money. I need to buy my own happiness by investing time in myself, my “me time”, my therapy, and spend some time working out what I really do and do not want! And perhaps save a penny or two in the process!