I am incapable of making decisions. So much so that it often drives me to distraction. I always think far too much about the consequences of one choice, the pro’s and con’s, and convince myself that I will regret decisions once they are made. This makes me sit on the fence for so long that not only is my metaphorical bottom extremely sore, but it also means I miss out on opportunity after opportunity because the world continues to spin whilst I sit on my fence. It’s not even a nice, comfy fence! It’s sharp, prickly and quite frankly, not somewhere that I want to be. For some reason however, I cannot teach myself to make decisions, no matter how trivial, in fear that it may be wrong.
This is why I feel like a stranger in my own head…or two irrational strangers constantly battling over right and wrong.
One moment my brain is telling me that option A is the shiniest, most exciting option, and the next it is going through all the what if’s and maybes. It’s exhausting and essentially counter productive, whilst I take one step forward and two steps back on the road to asserting myself and my choices.
This is all due to the fact that I don’t trust myself. I know this. And this, in turn, is down to my lack of self esteem. I don’t think highly enough of myself to trust that I have the knowledge, resources and intelligence to make correct decisions, and for those decisions that don’t require any of those traits, I just simply don’t trust in myself. I don’t think I’m worthy of making easy decisions based on what feels right for me. I don’t trust that I can handle making a mistake, nor do I trust that I know what is best for myself, or that I am capable of owning a decision, no matter the consequence. And, as I said, life is passing me by whilst I umm and ahh about which path to choose. This is no way to live, and it is no way to respect myself and move forward with my life.
The thing is, can we really ever know what is going to happen following a life decision if we don’t do it? No. We can never say what will be. It is out of my control, and oh how I hate to be out of control!
What I must understand is that in life every decision could potentially lead to a mistake, but from this we will always learn, and I always manage to dust myself off and get back on track again. I must respect and trust in my own ability to judge what is right for myself, and in turn, this should help my self esteem. I must seek to feel what is right for me, instead of thinking it over and over and over until my brain feels as though it will spontaneously combust. Sometimes, my body knows which way it wants to go, but my thinking brain places doubt where it should not. I should let go, and trust that everything happens for a reason, because for some reason, it has all seemed to so far. I should also learn from paths I walked that didn’t serve me well, and congratulate myself where paths led exactly where I needed to be. I must applaud myself for living and learning. I need to release my need for control and realise that to seek constant control is not possible and is not to be safe, it is to live life on the sidelines. I must not be anxious about what could, should or is yet to be, and should embrace the fact that anything can happen!
I hope that one day, in the not too distant future, not only will my metaphorical bottom be less sore, but I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and think to myself: “You’ve loved, you’ve lost, and you’ve learned, but you chose your paths in the trust that you can handle anything”.