Why is it that when we face our biggest struggles, and all we want is someone to rescue us from our turmoil, that we push those closest to us away? We cut deep with words we don’t mean, criticise and punish those we love the most, when we need them the most.
I can be truly mean to those I really need. And what is most ironic; I get angry when they don’t stick around. It’s backwards. It’s damaging. And it’s harmful.
But I can’t stop. I hear my words as if they’re not my own, and my body language is beyond my control. Inside, Im crying for someone to scoop me up, and tell me they know that I don’t mean it, and be there for me when I am trying so hard to push them back. I want them to push back against me with just a little more force, letting me know Im not alone. But I don’t want to have to ask.
I want someone with me, but yet I am irritable. I am irritated by every noise that is not my own, every breath and every comment. But I do need someone.I want the right amount of words, but not too many. I want the right amount of touch, but not too much. I don’t communicate this though. I expect people to know what I want, and am angry when they don’t read between the lines.
Writing this down I actually can’t believe myself! I’m pushing people away, the people that love me and want to help, for what? In order to only wish i hadn’t. We all do it, we all don’t mean to. The thing is, others can’t be expected to receive negativity constantly and to read this as anything but. They cannot be expected to save us. They cannot be expected to know what we want unless we communicate. And they cannot be expected feel helpless and alone in their rescue attempts. There is only so much others can forgive, and only so much they can understand. Depression is debilitating, isolating, irritating and has definitely led to the breakdown of my communication skills, and a rise in my frustrations and inability to express my needs.
Looks like ive got to work on my communication skills before I push those who love me that little bit too far.