The blame game

Children are sponges. They soak up the knowledge that is passed on to them from the responsible adults in their lives: teachers, babysitters, siblings and most of all, parents. When we are little, our parents are our leaders, guidance and centre of our world. We copy their behaviours and whether we mean to or not, we are, to some extent, a product of our environment. 

Now of course this is an advantage if our parentage is positive, encouraging, nurturing and leads us to become confident, self-respecting, independent adults. 

This was not the case for me. My parents separated when I was one year old, which never had an affect on me as such, as I never knew them together. It was the effects of my parents personalities, traits and personal suffering that have taken effect on me.

My parents and their decisions and life choices have made me the anxious, depressive, self-depricating person I can be. 

My father: 

  • His father left his mother and younger sister when he was 11 years old 
  • He is a high powered businessman who works as a civil engineer
  • He has anger problems 
  • He thinks the world is against him 
  • Sometimes a very cold and unapproachable man 
  • Deals with life as one big business deal
  • He feels he is above others and people should bow down to him 
  • He holds a lot of bitterness 
  • Throwing money at his children is his way of showing love 
  • He is emotionally unavailable and I cannot talk to him about how I feel mentally 
  • Lashes out when he feels he cannot control the situation 
  • He is set in his ways 
  • He has been married 3 times and jumps into relationships very quickly, without thought of the repercussions on his children. 

My mother: 

  • Brought up by an anxious mother and a controlling father 
  • Severe anxiety and panic disorder 
  • Depression
  • Shy 
  • Feels inferior to others 
  • Let’s others overpower her 
  • Stayed in an abusive relationship for 7 years too many without thinking of the repercussions for her children 
  • Stuck in archaic views 
  • Unable to accept change or growth 
  • Easily stressed 

I have never written a list of my parents traits before, and seeing it black and white like that makes me realise how easy it is to see why I have inherited or learned some of my behaviours from the two people who were supposed to lead me down the correct path in life. 

As a result of my experiences through my parents choices, the life I have led whilst in their care, as well as the behaviours I have learned from them, I have spent a lot of my life, if not all of it, showing them bitterness and feeling greatly resentful towards them. 

I now know that this resentful, angry attitude will not serve me well. My parents are not bad people. They are human. They are humans who have made mistakes, learned behaviours from their parents and others who did not lead them down the correct path. Blaming my parents for what I feel today can no longer help me to get better, and it will only further damage my relationship with them, as for the last few years I have tried so hard to build up a better communication with the both of them as individuals. And I seem to be making progress. 

I now realise that I must accept their choices, forgive them and move on, acknowledging that now, as an adult, I do not have to take their behaviours or decisions into my world. I can set myself apart from them now, and learn from their mistakes. 

When we are children, it is easy to blame our parents for all of our downfalls, but now, at 22 years of age, I must accept responsibility for my own choices, my behaviours and my traits. Yes, it is true that My parents and their decisions and life choices have made me the anxious, depressive, self-depricating person I can be. But it is also true that they gave me love, shelter, food and somewhere to rest. They made me the kind, caring, gentle, sensitive, intelligent and inquisitive person I am, and for that I am grateful. I must not forget this in the bitterness.

I have the power to change what I want to change, and say no to behaviours I do not wish to have. I have the power to learn how to parent in a way that I feel is conducive to a happy, nurtured childhood, and can learn from any mistakes I feel my parents made. When I feel bitter or aware of an anger towards my parents now, I will read this affirmation that rings true to me: 

I forgive my parents for all their mistakes, and I understand that they never meant to hurt me. I move on in the knowledge that they behaved the way they did as a result of their learned behaviours, and now, as an adult, I can create my own world and be my own person. My parents are individuals with their own personalities, expectations and morals. I am different to this. I am no longer tied to their decisions. I recognise that I do not want to make my children suffer at the hand of my decisions, as I have experienced. I want my parents in my children’s life as a positive, loving influence, and I will guide them into this role. I have learned, and I have let go. I now wish to have a positive relationship with my parents, and accept them equally as adults, taking them off any pedestals I may have put them on as children, and seeking their friendship and love as equal adults. 

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3 thoughts on “The blame game

  1. Well written, and that was a tremendous idea to identify your parent’s characteristics. I’m glad you are able to forgive your parents for I am not, nor my rapist, I just can’t. I know you should but I’ve never reached that point.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It takes time, it’s taken me years rather than months to get to this point. I have found writing anger letters and then forgiveness letters, just to keep for yourself, are helpful, and letting go exercises and meditations really help! It’s a bit of a weight lifted to carry around less animosity towards my parents. Keep preserving with your coping strategies 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

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