I don’t know my own mind. I mean, I’m strong willed, passionate and know what I want at times, but at other times all I feel is doubt. An emptiness surrounding a decision, more often than not a big decision.
My mind plays decisions over and over and over like an eternal punishment. I am constantly being purged by the voices in my own head. And they’re loud.
I don’t know my own mind, or trust it enough to know when my instincts are pushing me towards something or pulling me away from another. Perhaps that’s just it, I don’t trust myself. In making decisions, I don’t want to regret making the wrong one, so find myself in unnaturally unhappy situations for longer than I should. I torture myself, focussing on the consequences of a wrong decision. I punish myself for hurting others with my indecision. I regret that I hurt others when at times I realise my decision was wrong, and it is too late to take it back.
I doubt whether to say what is on my mind, or act on it. I keep what is bothering me inside, worrying that it will ruin everything. I’m one sentence away from making a decision Im not ready for.
I’m scared. I’m scared of living a life void of what I truly want, but scared of living the life I do want. I am scared of pursuing things I know that are right for me, acting out of fear and anxiety. I am scared of letting go, but I am scared of holding on. I am regretful and remorseful of my previous decisions that have only been acted out through this illness.
How do you take back decisions of the past? Often you can’t. Recently, I have tried. I have hurt people because of my fear, and so I have had to let them go, as much as I have not wanted to. I have held things close to my chest, and left it too late to repent. That’s what hurts the most, those three words. It’s too late
I don’t want it to be too late. I want to know my own mind enough to know that I can trust my instincts and know who and what will serve me well. I want to trust myself. I want to fight for who and what I want, and set free the things I do not need.
I must have cried today more than I have cried in months and months. I have cried for the things that I am that I do not want to be. I have cried for the decisions I have made. I have cried for the people I have lost. I have cried for the too late to fix situations. I have cried for those I have hurt. I have cried for hurting myself. I have cried because I am petrified. And I cry now…because it’s too late.