That generic TGIF celebration is not what you’ll find here. If only! This week, Friday is just another down day.
For some reason, this week I have just been unable to shake my depressive mood, and have constantly been feeling low or on the edge of tears.
Depressive symptoms…you name them, I’ve got them:
– low mood (check)
– insomnia (check)
– helplessness (check)
– fatigue (check)
– appetite increase (check)
– appetite decrease (check)
– not interested in doing anything (check)
– irritable (double check!)
Sounds like great fun hey?
But why this is I couldn’t tell you. On paper I have had a fantastic week, getting very involved in my placement at a Veterinary Surgery and seeing lots of amazing things, walking my dog, getting my hair done, lots of nice food, TV and good sleep. However in reality, my moods are positively black.
I can’t seem to believe myself just how fast my moods are changing. One minute I feel like I can tackle anything and can overcome this low period, and the next minute I feel helpless and as if it is never going to get better.
I know it will, it has before and it has again, although sadly this is no constellation when you’re in this emotional state. It’s bloody awful, there’s no sugar coating it, and certainly no dressing it up…feeling like this is just plain shit.
I would advise to others to surround themselves with friends, do things they love to do, read, have hot warm baths, walk and do some cooking, however I don’t feel like listening to my own advice. I’ll tell you what i feel like. I feel like curling up, being alone, wallowing in self pity and deciding as and when I feel like it, which Harry Potter film to watch next. And I feel like I’d be ok with that. I want to be totally alone, with nobody telling me what I should or shouldn’t do to get out of this mood. I want to sit in it and figure it out for myself, riding it out and hoping and praying I come out the other side with some sort of clue as to why it came about. I don’t want to reason with anyone. I want to cope alone.
When people with mental illness say they want to be alone, it is often seem as a symptom. I’m here to say, sometimes it isn’t. God knows I’ve reached out to others a lot and I’m never afraid to ask for help when I need it, but I also am not afraid to tell people when I just want some space to figure this shit out! Sometimes labelling every ache and pain or want or need as a symptom only makes things worse.
I’m trying to have the mentality that tomorrow is a new day, and hope for the best that with that, comes a brighter outlook.
I know only too well how exhausting this illness can be and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to feel different but not being able to snap out of it is a cruel reality of the past week. It can be too easy to punish yourself for not feeling happy, to kick yourself when you don’t seize opportunities and to get angry when you’re not progressing as you had planned. The thing is, with this healing, one must remember that there can be no plan. It will take as long as it takes and as long as you try, then every day is a step forward, no matter how small. For me, everyday is a step forward in the sense that it is another day I have coped, another day I have chosen life, and another day I have refused to give in and regained my strength.
It’s too easy to force yourself into a routine that demands visible and physical “progress”, however this is not realistic, and progress is personal. More than this, progress cannot be defined. Progress is yours.
So for now, I say sod it to all the ‘I should be’ this and ‘why aren’t you’ that. For now, I allow myself to snuggle up in my bed with films, chocolate, my dog, and the knowledge that after a week of trying really hard, I’ll let myself off this one.